What has been happening?

What has been happening?

We met on Facebook, got married quickly (in 2009) after I met her family and things seemed positive.  I told my wife that I was previously married, she didn’t want the details or her family knowing at the time and I mistakenly did not expand – a regrettable oversight.  This she has held against me for a long time.  My wife was finishing her studies off and I promised her that she will finish her degree.  After marriage my wife came to the UK and as promised I paid for her to go back to the UK  three times in order for her to finish her degree off.

Later she wanted to study further which I could not afford at the time nor facilitate as this was away from home.  She holds this against me too.  Early in the marriage – my wife had what I thought were anger issues:  Anger and rage would result from any sort of disagreement rather than a healthy rational discussion.  This quickly developed into tantrums: She would want to control how often I would visit my family.  She would want to dictate how I spend my time.  She would often threaten to leave, state that she hates me, cannot stand me and so on…  Often I had to apologise, get her calm, ask her to think carefully and not leave.  She would not care where this happened and who was around to witness or how embarrassing this was to me.

She would try and use sex to get things – manipulate.  See it as a favour.  She would behave this way in front of my family and friends if something set her off.  A tantrum for my wife is: when a person loses control and is visibly upset, violent and shouting at the top of their voice, swearing, pushing, hitting, smacking, slapping, kicking, jumping up and down, crying uncontrollably.  (I have a recording of one such incident.)

These tantrums would be set off by the simplest and smallest of things, I documented a few of the cases and wrote them down.  I began doing this when I realised things are not as they should be: Me deciding to go to my mum’s house for a weekend, me deciding to go to my mum’s house for longer than two days.  When coming home once, I closed the door behind me while my wife was still in the car – I did this to save heat i.e. not leaving it open for long in the winter cold.  Slight change of plan – I went to my sister’s house rather than mum’s house.  Once I took our son out of this environment for a few minutes and I got calls from her that she will call the police and say I’ve kidnapped him if I don’t return immediately.  Me not doing as she says e.g. on holiday she felt that a shopkeeper had spoken to our son in an incorrect manner.  She stormed out of the shop and wanted me to follow while I was of a different opinion and chose to not be rude and continued to browse / buy.  This resulted in another major issue where she left me in the middle of town trying to make my own way back.  I stated that we go McDonalds for breakfast since she hasn’t had breakfast and that we should at least pretend things are normal for today.  The work ‘pretend’ made her flip.

Tantrums would also be accompanied by many threats of leaving, divorce, moving out, going to a friend’s house, going to court to obtain a divorce.  She would not let me leave the room or the house whenever these episodes occurred.
I witnessed the same behaviour once with her mother where she flipped and wanted to leave the house in the middle of the night.

There came a time when I’d had enough and started to respond to her threats of leaving by not begging as usual, but this time by stating,”You are free to go, there is the door, I won’t stop you.”  This resulted in an increased level of violence and my wife  becoming more ballistic.

I could not call the authorities as any self defence had resulted in her calling the police and them making sure she was not a victim.  This threat was then loomed over me to beat me further into submission and ensuring I do not disagree.

In Jan 2015 I decided to get an old couple (wife and husband) involved to arbitrate – at the meeting she was crying uncontrollably, shouting / screaming and insisting on divorce.  But after I had explained the nature of tantrums and the physical attacks, the physical nature of the tantrums became less and less.

She threats of divorce / leaving / court etc. continued unabated over minor disagreements.  Kind of like walking on eggshells.  I thought her behaviour was due to us not having children, it still continued after our son’s birth.  I thought it was due to our location / house, it still persisted after we moved countries.  Threats and manipulative behaviour continued after we moved.  Her rage gets set off by the smallest of things.

I became indifferent to her threats and kept warning her that she is drawing me away.  The same anger and rage was present whenever we would go on holiday:
Anger rage and unstoppable crying when I decided to mark deadline specific exam papers rather than accompanying her to a museum.  She felt I had spoilt her visit and was upset that we could not be like other families.

And other issues…  I tried discussing with her the issue of what we could do if our marriage is not going to work – a Plan B for the sake of our son.  She would simply insist on divorcing there and then and no discussion about it.

I divorced my wife Islamically, but have not yet legalised it.  I did this while we were in different countries, due to her unpredictable nature.  After I sent her the divorce, she apologised profusely, and begged for it not to happen and for me to do this.

She decided to fly back home  immediately after some nasty verbal threats.  She promised change but began using our son as a justification for us getting back but keeps stating that she loves me profusely and cannot live without me.

When I came back: On the  second day I was here,  she threatened to ‘expose’ me to my school / principal / authorities!  I mentioned that I wish to go for a temporary separation of 3 – 6 months and she flipped.  She wanted to leave the country initially, and when I didn’t beg her to stay: she became hysterical and nearly jumped off a three story building to kill herself.

After that I’ve been hesitant to say that we should separate, worried about her reaction.  She still threatens to leave every few days.  A few days later my wife became agitated and angry at the word ‘pretend’ I had used.  She asked me to drop her off at home.  I tried to calm her down, I apologised for the hurt but she wanted to go home.  I proceeded to drop her off home travelling on the motorway with our son in the back seat.  She threatened to leave the country tomorrow – I stated that I’ve done enough begging for seven years for you to stay, if you wish to leave tomorrow, go, I don’t want to know.  At that point she tried to jump from the car travelling at speed.  The only thing that initially saved her was the belt and then me holding on to her whilst driving home.  Our son was again looking troubled in the back of the car.

My current thoughts: I have divorced my wife Islamically not legally yet.  She is hoping to get back.  I have been reconsidering whether our marriage is happy, stable and is it something that I want to invest in further?  I was (when I divorced) adamant that divorce is the best solution for us.  She was always threatening this and has for many years treated me with contempt, disregard, disrespect and hate.

After my wife came back home, I said to her that I am inclined for a temporary separation before I can  reconsider us getting back together.  Getting back cannot be a decision based on my current emotional state.  I am more inclined to believe that we have a unhappy relationship, an unhealthy marriage and that we are better separate.  I am hesitant in suggesting this as this will evoke an unpredictable response from her.

I have suggested that a temporary separation could be one where she continues to live in our home, I’ll pay for her expenses, housing, further study etc. and that way our son can have access to both parents.  She will not let me stay in the temporary accommodation either.

My wife is threatening going back to UK as a means to use our son to get the response she wants.  I am unsure about whether  I wish to invest further in this unhealthy relationship.  That this will ultimately be bad for both of us.
I do not believe that she has or does currently love me but I know that I do not love her.  Although she keeps stating she does love me.

My wife wants to reconcile and wishes to get back into a relationship.  She threatens to leave but then gets really unpredictable when it dawns upon her that I will not stop her, or ask her to stay.  She seems to be doing anything and everything from threats, crying, pleading, putting herself in danger in order for me to say yes.  She is currently being very polite / eager to please and caring in order to get back into the relationship.

Further thoughts…  Do I want to reconcile and get back?  No, not at this time, but maybe I’m being emotional and time will heal this conclusion?  Or maybe I’m just making sure?

The need to control, getting upset at me not doing something in her way on her terms, the way she wants isn’t normal.  This level of control is unhealthy.  I think my wife may have BPD or something similar.  I cannot live in a roller coaster of the relationship we have had.  She did promise change, but I have not seen any evidence of that at all and the continued threats and emotional behaviour is evidence of things being the same for years to come?  Is it?  Or is this due to undue pressure of me asking for temporary separation?

One thought on “What has been happening?

  1. If you are doubtful that’s ok
    It’s not always a choice of back in the relationship full on or out completely

    Find a good clinical counsellor skilled in BPD and relationship counselling

    If you may want her back but are unsure the deal is this, you both individually go to 1-1 counselling with this counsellor to understand you respective positions, needs, desires, then meet up together with the counselling support

    You don’t just move back in, instead keep living arrangements separate but local for 6 months

    Of course just because someone is stressed angry, crying and desperate doesn’t mean they automatically have BPD, your wife may be depressed, bipolar, simply scared or a full blown NARC But the counsellor will help determine what if anything she is struggling with and may be able to assist

    Also remember you do have a child, if that child wants to see their mother you have to try everything to get her back on an emotional even keel, for that child’s welfare, whilst still being kind to her and ensuring emotional safety for you

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