The Ageing Narcissist

The Ageing Narcissist

As a narcissist ages, people eventually see through the false charm and see the person for who they really are. Time waits for no one. Slowly but surely, the narcissist’s social circle dwindles away, one by one people disappear, no longer finding their behaviour acceptable.  Most people who have crossed their path in one way or another have borne witness to their deceit and toxicity.   Towards the end of their lives there is often not one single living soul who cares whether they live or die. By the time the final curtain falls, they receive what I call poetic justice, getting back what they gave out to others all their lives. As they take their last breath, there’s not a hand to hold, everyone who once cared is long gone. Call it Karma, call it God having the final say, call it what you will… I call it pay back.

 

Aging is a process that none of us look forward to but it IS better than the alternative. Most of us try to age with grace and dignity having gained wisdom through the years. A narcissist’s behaviour tends to get worse with the passage of time. As time takes its toll on their looks and their health they know that admiration is a thing of the past. Time has taken its toll on their withered frame. They can no longer rely on their outward appearance to attract new supply.  They glare at the image staring back at them from the mirror refusing to accept the aging face before them.  Their mind is not as sharp as it once was. What have they left to look forward to?  Retirement?  Obscurity?  Insignificance?  We are always told to look on the inside, look at how someone treats others, look at their heart and look at their soul.  What’s on the outside doesn’t really matter.  It’s the inside that counts.  What’s on the inside of a narcissist?  Absolutely nothing but an empty shell.  As the years roll by the narcissist faces a complete loss of supply and lashes out at anyone unfortunate enough to be within earshot.

When the Narcissist is Left Alone

I have a strong belief that people who treat others poorly and have no empathy or compassion for others, will be shown no compassion in later life.  They have spent their entire lives abusing, betraying and demeaning others, knowing what they do and without giving a second thought for the pain that they inflict time and time again.  Friends and ex-partners have become enemies.  If their children haven’t already become strangers the narcissist may try to buy their children’s love in a feeble attempt to keep them close, believing that they may be the only people left on this earth who will put up with their pernicious behaviour.  These meagre efforts to be seen as a good parent may be welcomed by the child who has spent a lifetime seeking mum or dad’s approval.  For others it will be too little too late.

The narcissist is an immature, angry, volatile and controlling individual.  They have spent a lifetime  attempting to form relationships.  Sadly, it’s not a partnership they are seeking but a dictatorship where they have all the power and control.  Eventually people get sick and tired of their behaviour and abandon them.  A string of failed relationships adds to their already fragile self ego.   By bringing about their own abandonment as a result of their abusive and despicable behaviour, they inflict upon themselves a deep narcissistic injury.  Somehow the narcissist will delude themselves into believing that their own self destruction is someone else’s fault.
‘An ironic twist of fate…
Their enemy will be their memories.
They can never undo what they’ve done.
They can’t escape their thoughts
When they find themselves alone
Unloved and abandoned.
When their evil has been uncovered,
The truth will pursue them,
Wherever they go.’
 Anne McCrea
 
Much like a drug addict without their supply, the narcissist can’t cope when supplies become scarce and run out.  They become chronically depressed and  angry and find no pleasure in anything.   Their noxious behaviour becomes more demanding and worse by the day.  Things that they used to enjoy, no longer hold their interest.  Their world has become hostile, their social life, non-existent.  No one wants to be in their company for any length of time.  They often become a hermit, closed off from the outside world blaming everyone else for the situation that they find themselves in.   The longer the lack of supply continues, the worse their insecurities and paranoia become.
The narcissist clings desperately to nothing.  They may create fake profiles on social media in order to stalk people, people that they may never meet or talk to.  Surfing the Internet may give them the opportunity to get a little attention from someone, from  anyone.  They’ve lost faith in themselves.  They don’t like themselves and nobody else likes them either so they think, ‘There’s no point in being nice.’
Narcissists have an enormous fear of their own mortality.  As death looms near, they know that complete oblivion is on the horizon.  Life gives back to them exactly what they deserve, loneliness and isolation.  They find themselves being shunned and ignored.  The one thing that they never could control is time.  As they move forward to eternity they have the knowledge that there is a final Judge and this time, it’s not them.

The Narcissist on Their Death Bed

I am often asked if a narcissist will change if they are on their deathbed.  Will they want to put things right and apologize to all those they have hurt in their lifetime?  Some people want closure and expect a change of heart from the narcissist as they take their last breath.  A deathbed apology is extremely unlikely. They are likely to die the same way that they have lived, hurting others.   Many will use this time to twist the knife in just one more time.

Don’t beat yourself up if you decide not to pay them one last visit.  It is a matter of looking after yourself, a matter of self-protection.  There is no point of opening old wounds to satisfy the demands of someone who inflicted those wounds in the first place.  If they wanted your company, they should have shown remorse before this late stage and they should have acted better.

Pity them for being the person they are if you have to, but please be careful to never give them the chance to hurt you again.

Written by Anne McCrea

69 thoughts on “The Ageing Narcissist

      1. Yes I have been put through this recently …it is exactly as this tells it. I have fallen in love so deeply that I can not seem to move on after moving out of state even…after two years of so much of this..I do not know how to move on in my heart.

  1. Sounds like a Karma Fantasy to me, or an excuse for not bothering with those who find themselves alone on the basis that “they probably deserve it so it’s OK for me to point the finger, judge them and not bother to see if they need help”.

    1. That’s not how it is. Narcs find themselves alone because anyone who comes into their lives, gets tired of putting up with them sooner or later.
      No one deserves to be alone. But being close to a narcissist is damaging and useless.

      This article is obviously not about (nice) people that end up alone because their families are too busy to make time for them.
      It is about lonely narcissists in particular.

      1. it is interesting tho. as i h”ave been accused by some as being “narcissist” tho what i have finally begun to learn is that those who accuse me of such, are in fact themselves narc’s and they choose the most gentle, empathic people, to attack. what is most difficult i am finding, is being one of the only sober members of a family. that has laid me out to be the black sheep being told i am the one who has caused all the problems.
        i have in fact created problems and i do believe i must solve them on my own, but that has taken me years to figure out.

        in the meantime, i realize that even tho i love many people who are in fact totally self -interested, i must “detach with love”

      1. Never learnt dicipline from childhood or to much in a sadistic manner forms a narrcist I believe .its not a fact .but we have all different personalitys .you can be easily become one when you have not found that love inside you and believe in your soul which I real love .sadly some people called humans never will experience this great power love

    2. You cannot help a narcissist….I lived with one and even after divorce he desperately tried to control and destroyed my family….even his own daughter..driving her to numerous (Thank God) unsuccessful suicide attempts. His own pain cripples him from the love and help that we all offer(ed) him…He can only see himself as a victim and until he is ready to make a change, all we can do is pray for him….and distance ourselves from continued pain.

    3. Everything you stated is true!
      I just spent several years with a man that has gone thru these stages accept for the last statement.
      Thank you for reassurance. simply because after a while it’s plays such a toll on your thoughts ..

    4. I get what you are saying, but in reality any and all help to these such persons is not appreciated and, in fact, they love to laugh not only behind your back, but, also, in your face. . .okay? This type of person INTENTIONALLY IS OUT TO HURT EVERYBODY HE OR SHE CANS AND WITH MUCH JOY AND PLEASURE IN DOING SO. I just left a man who has found himself in this ageing predicament. I have moved away from the state to get away from him. He still will not leave me alone. He stays in a van, one that does not run. One a man kind enough to let him stay in behind his business, and he lives on about ten dollars a day…what the man pays him to help him around the shop. He has a great talent for painting, both residential and commercial, but does not know how to treat people once he becomes bored with them. I was for two years his meal ticket, gravy train, and target. He verbally, physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, and, yes, spiritually, BROKE ME. I am slowly but surely healing, but will NEVER be the same. I will ALWAYS have trust issues. Most of all although it was the greatest learning experience of my life, I will have the hardest time trusting myself and, most of all, my own judgement.

  2. Ah this was refreshing to read! Thank you. I hope with all my heart my abuser ends up sad and alone…the way he’s made me feel time and time again.

    1. After 34 years of it ,i finally left,Why i stayed i will never really know.But from when i made my mind up,and the day i left,my stress levels got better every day.

  3. Can’t wait to see this happen to my abuser, that’s what his son told him would happen to him, so it can’t come soon enough.

    1. I can t wait for my sibling to get the karma she deserves. No need to seek revenge. They will get what they fear most. Abandonment. I was angry for along time. Now I just live my life. Truly the best revenge.

      1. My sister is a narc. Just recently realized this. Its not so common to hear of others struggling with a sibling. Thought it was just sibling rivalry. She loves to hate me and hates to love me. She’s put me through hell. She’s now pulling others into her web, but after witnessing details of what I’ve gone through for years, everyone’s on to her now. Lucky for her daughter who appears to be her next victim! She’s losing all who love her and try to help her, and it always goes back to being my fault saying i’ve brain washed everybody who knows her! She will be alone soon. Not what I want for her though! It’s heart breaking!

  4. my fiancé N of 4 years left me for a friend of mine and married her within weeks of throwing me out. I had no where to live and I sold my car because in the beginning he bought my a new one and I wasn’t allowed to take it..sold all my jewelry when we had money troubles and also gave up me job to help take care of his special needs child…I was left homeless, car less and penny less..He married her in our home 6 weeks after I moved out….posting on social media the whole time..ughhhhhh It was a nightmare..no remorse at all.. The’re relationship only lasted 3 mths and she divorced him….hehehehehehehe…..I hope he ends up alone, abandoned..just like he did to me..

    1. do not worry he will get what he deserves and serves him right. I am so sorry that you have been through what you have been through. Here are tips on how to create your own happiness first, improve on yourself. Secondly, take up various projects get a good paying job and a car. lastly find somebody who loves you and go full on with no contact and if he does come back to being your stalker file a restraining order and get a protection order against him.

  5. They are masters of blaming everyone else for everything they didn’t care enough about regardless of the disappointment others will feel . Undermined partners spin into joyless shadows that cannot make plans or decisions..like hollow spirits who have been picked apart until the best parts have been consumed ……expressed like reference points to simulate a complete usable personality with heart and soul…it’s like being eaten alive.. somehow convinced that without this unholy hold you will sink into even darker nothingness invisible to everyone..
    It’s hell..there is absolutely no respect for the truth…it was all a two dementional imitation of a meaningful bond..

  6. In regard to my ex, I often think, “After years of engaging in scorched-earth vindictiveness, how can you honestly be surprised when you find yourself in a field where nothing will grow?”

  7. I’m a horrible person because I truly wish only the worst possible things for the ex. He killed my dog. I hope he suffers a very long painful end, alone & chokes on his own vomit.

  8. Narcissism is “horrible” as is the narcissists behavior to those who love them. I know I must forgive my eldest for what she did and continues to do to my deceased husbands’ name and to mine still. Her propensity to lie is a talent I’ve never before heard of. I’ve had to leave the province as I live in fear of her.

    1. Honestly, it’s to be determined. Some learn some never do. if money is in there hands they wont. And they do loose thier soul & life. I will never know if he learned a life of love was trashed. But I wish him well and peace…
      Even if he hurt me ( Marlon Vasquez ) aka narc:(

  9. As the grown only child of two diagnosed narcs, I can say that this is all true. The older they get, the more anxious they get as they lose friends, status, etc. Retirement isolated my parents, making them depressed, angry and even more controlling. Being around them was toxic as they desperately tried to make me their servant, scapegoat and verbal punching bag. They are very old now, and mean behind closed doors. I stopped contact because they were getting aggressive and dangerous. They can’t be fixed and no amount of help is appreciated. They always want more, more, more..when in truth they can do it all themselves. Just say no to narcs. You can never have the healthy relationship that you deserve with them.

    1. So true ,more ,more more ,never enough but they also expect everyone they come in contact with to do more .They are never satisfied with just the kindness some folk show them ,they try to squeeze every ounce out of their victim until the victim becomes wise to their ways and backs off. The victim is then maligned mercilessly so that all the good deeds of kindness once shown towards them count for nothing at all to the Narcissist now.

    2. Yes I too have had the same experience with 2 older siblings. I live across the other side of the world from them. They can never hurt me again.

  10. I hope this will happen to my ex. He deserve to be alone and feeling lost. He have fuck thousands of women and betrayed them and of course including me. I can’t and won’t do any to him, except I have to keep stay away from him. God Bless we all figure out this man is not good for us. I had close this chapter and start chasing my own dream and happiness. He is still staying in his dark cave. Keep using women to feed up his emptiness. What a sad person.

  11. It is a valid medical condition, caused through no fault of their own, and perhaps not even known to them. The post and subsequent comments seem inappropriate, unnecessary, and spiteful.

    1. I too was bitter at first, but then I educated myself and it’s not thier fault, I hope I never fall prey again, but I pray for him constantly.

  12. Hi This is so amazing , I have known for years something is off with a relative living with me and you have caught it . I still live nearby but she now has no control over me

  13. No matter what karma they get it does not change the damage they do to you. I have scars on my body and scars on my mind. Lost years that I will never get back.

  14. I find it very sad that this damn Narcissistic Disorder can make so many people, so very angry about people we used to love. I have only recently learnt about this disorder and that my mother has it. She has been mean, angry and self centered for all I can remember even though she has enjoyed a tremendous life. She has recently disowned my sister, so once again I am the “Good” child; she has created horrible relationships with my step-sisters and my lovely step-father is in a horrible state with no-mobility in ‘full-care’ in a Home.

    She is now in this lonely, bitter and sad stage described above.

    I try desperately to keep my emotions in check regarding her these days but I now mostly feel sorry for her. Relatively speaking. Currently I think I’m the only one feeling sorry for her. I guess Karma truly is a “bitch”.

  15. So true. My N is slowly isolating himself, only content with the fake profiles on social media, dating sites, tons of porn sites, etc. He has so many aliases, it’s mindnumbing. And slowly but surely the few of us who care about him are drifting away from him, our care and love for him dying a slow, steady death. And it’s all his doing.

  16. Exactly on point. Mine had used all his resources and used up all of his friends. I was one of many that endured his abuse. But I was the last to ever escape. I left with our child. He was also a drug addict. He sunk into a fast hole. Suicide less than 2 months after I left. I have no doubt in my mind that he would’ve killed me and our child had I stayed. Those last weeks with him were extremely horrible and his behavior was too erratic. I was scared for my child. I was numb to his abuse. But I wasn’t going to allow her to endure any more than she’d already seen. So, this article backs up my feelings and observations. Thanks.

    1. Thank God you got out. Suicide is never easy, but you have to embrace the freedom you’re in now. Hang in there. Scars, I know. But let the healing begin.

  17. My husband–the classic narcissistic sociopath–but with brain tumors and a rare disease. I cared for him till he waltzed out my door, saying I was a worthless wife who didn’t deserve to live. After all his craziness and cruelty, she. He left I changed the locks. It wasn’t what he was wxpecting, but I’m pretty sure I would have died first.

    He Spent the last18 months of his life in a trailer by himself wth his cat. He alienated everyone.
    He screamed all the time he was sick he wasn’t going to die alone and made people feel terrible that they didn’t dance attendance every minute of every day.

    It was horrifically sad to watch happen as I knew he was ill, but you can’t change another’s choices, especially when he was so hateful and angry. I supported him financially until he died, visited him and helped how I could. It just wasn’t safe for my kids any more. I learned after his death he was on social media looking for attention and had duped an entire chat room with his lies, frauding people for money on gofundme and even had a “girlfriend” who was ok with him pushing opioids into his veins to “get out of his head for a while”. His family paid over $25k, I paid out 11k to get him what he felt he “needed”, nobody knew the other was giving him money and the girlfriend thought I was long gone from his life. He referred to me as his “pension fund”

    So it does happen that way,,,what a horror show. It’s going to take me years to recover myself!

  18. Is it really a disease or just can’t do anything about them. How come psychologist can’t figured out this behaviour and attitudes. A rehab or perhaps behaviours management program.
    Will they be in this state for a lifetime ?

    1. They refuse to change. In their mind the only help they need is what they can scam or con you out of, so if you try to do anything to lead them in the right direction it is a waste of your time, energy, efforts, finances, and any other resources they will be more than happy to take from you. Sign up for it if you want to be left in heartache, despair, agony, pain both mental and physical and suffer anxiety and depression of the likes you have never seen before the advent of their special brand of “love” and hopefully will never see them again in such glory that is if you have even survived the evil that is the manipulative, controlling, and possessive way the Narcissist has about their entire being.

  19. I’ve left my lifelong narc for good and it is a battle. over 47 years of “friendship.” From childhood he was my first love, but now as a widower, he’s a man I do not know. It’s refreshing to know that he will likely be alone, and probably is a lot more than I know right now, in old age, because YES he drives everyone away from him.
    Currently, his sister is trying to contact me on Facebook, but I’m remaining steadfast in waiting for God’s best.

  20. This self isolation is so true. My recent ex constantly retold stories about his old army mates till I was word perfect with the same old stories but it was some time before I realised he didn’t actually have any friends at all. I was the main provider of every thing he needed. He resented my contact with other people including my family and friends, isolating me as much as possible. My hobbies annoyed him so they stopped, he demanded my full attention all the time. My head was full of him. He always told me how much he had done for me, how grateful I should be. I did eventually get away. I am a strong, happy person. He has developed Parkinson’s Disease, a lifestyle of heavy drinking, fighting and aggression probably helped. He now lives alone near his family who ignore him as they always did before. He still phones up wanting to know what I am doing. He is alone and still can’t understand what was wrong with our relationship. He said so many things about how it was getting money that made me leave him. It is only now 6 months later I realise how unreasonable ridiculous his criticisms were! I know now what gaslighting is! I am on the road to me again.

  21. I totally understand the feelings and comments. I escaped and am recovering my happiness. I always was a positive person and that has kept me going despite his abuse. I did pray and God does answer prayers. Only now after six months independence do I see how unreasonable, controlling and cruel he truly was. He is now on his own, his family ignore him, he lives in a mean world of his own. He still phones me to ask what I am doing and I am just about to block his number. He tells me how much he gave up for me, he still loves me and there was nothing wrong with our relationship? Except his behaviour to me.I am sad but I know I was not his first victim but I hope I will be the last.I leave that problem with God.

  22. My wife is a narc. We have been married for over 40 years. I don’t think she started out that way or at least I didn’t notice, but when the children left the nest, she became a nightmare to live with. Looking back over all the years, I have never heard her apologize or admit that she was wrong about anything to anyone. I still care for her and don’t want to leave her, but I believe my own mental health is at risk. Sometimes she truly scares me!

    1. I don’t think my Dad felt the full force of Mom being a narc until all of us kids had left the nest. Then he had to bear the full brunt of it. They don’t “bite the hand that feeds” unless there is no other alternative. As the oldest, I became her designated scapegoat from childhood. Few consider believing a narc who is kind, charming, and thoughtful to them when a children”tells” on a mother for lying to and/or about them.

  23. The trouble with a “narc” parent is they don’t ever give up trying to manipulate their children into being “narcs” also. As the child of a narc, it takes a lot of effort to understand and prevent being made in their image. And the ground-work they have laid with lies continues to do it’s damage when they are gone.

    1. Iv just less than 24 hrs come out of this awful relationship yet again for the third time since this time last year..he was controlling in a silent mentally way if you get me….his personality would go from loving caring making me out be best thing ever I’m amazing I’m gorgeous I’m this I’m that! To he didn’t love me like he said he did or he was treading on eggshells saying my moods were 0to60 over trivial stuff… when infact it was him like this….but I was never allowed to have an opinion or disagree with him on anything that went wrong between us I would have to shush an listen to his opinion an what he wanted. Everytime I ended it he’d turn it round call me all kinds an he had to take that control back so he could say he ended it. He’s driven me to suicide thoughts twice in the 12mnths we been together…now again after last week saying he was blissfully happy with me an felt he had past a point an was learning stuff bout each other…just because last weekend I wanted him spend time with his 16 yr old daughter he hadn’t seen in few weeks i knew he wanted this time with her I told him not ask her wat she wanted I told him just go spend that weekend with her as I loved him that much I don’t want come between their time together…he goes an txs her instead what would you like baby be honest time with just me an you or time with all us…of course she’s gonna say all us she dsnt wanna think she’s gonna upset him by saying anything else does she! Cuz he controls her aswell! He even said me on Mon night when I had a suicidal meltdown are you sorry you met me!???? He knows exactly what he is an what he does…Iv had bad stuff that’s happened to me in my past my childhood he only one knows this…he plays on it saying I need get help with it…which at Easter I did when we split that second time….he got back in touch in the July after he unblocked me on FB see where I was up to an doing what…he said he knew I was on holiday an waiting for me get back to get back in touch he left me unblocked known I see this an knowing how much I truly loved him I’d have him back…he said he missed me thoughts bout me every day night realised what he threw away with his behaviour…now after this little row we had last weekend which resulted me having come back home same day he put pressure on me stay with him an daughter an my daughter he now denies all this an said I controlled him with my emotional behaviour an suicidal feelings he brow beated me down to. …I gained me confidence back six months when we split when he came back in my life again after it he said wow you really have changed your so much more confident an happy I’m so happy for you….to three weeks later he kicked off again over sumit trivial an said your confidence is turning you in to a cold bitch an you think your way up there too much! We split again few weeks but because he tells me stuff I want hear he had me loving him so much that I was sat there’s no one else for me other than you…he love that he gained his control back by turning me back in to non confidence an needy gf again to then saying to me other night when he ended it again he realised it was him making me go back to how I was six months before gaining that confidence back?? He so confusing but all he kept saying was we have get you right as your relationship whether it’s with me still or someone else will never work till you have more therapy….he always crys aswell when I say Iv made an appointment to see her again he says wow that takes some balls do that Ange well done you you should be so proud an he crys or wells up when saying it….he didn’t get the proper love an attention he needed as a child growing up it was focused on his elder siblings for different reasons…he had fend for himself…so all I can put his narcissistic behaviour down to is this and he craves constant attention even in his job he has be on top he looks down on everyone even when there doing better than him!

  24. That article is so accurate in an ageing Narcissist and it is unbelievably difficult to live with it. The only thing you want to do is turn your backs on these toxic people But could we be just as cruel as them if in fact it is in their genes and their whole brain pattern is something they cannot help. You cannot let them destroy your life but as one enabler said if he walked away they would have no one and what would their lives be like then. ?

  25. This is an absolutely superb piece of writing and the author must be congratulated on such insight, knowledge and advice. Thank you.

  26. Its really sad to say Iam also victim of narcisstic abuse paining.and of my heart bis dear
    for a lot of work I give to all the People I love and care. Iamhappy to give my time and my help to bring them happiness but all the sudden Its not happen what they give me only hurt and sufferd for abuse and mistreated until I got sick for truma postrumatic. for almost many years I feel lost. I tought u will Not recoverd anymore but thank Angel since I saw in heaven And also big crown With sorround Ing by Gold and sparkling Diamond.
    thats my body Change m mind is
    back to normal happy person balance. and got give up learn how to love our self and to protect and be wise to leave in happiness life with self love and pray to God.thats my real experience for victim abuser User narcisstic people love is all the netter I have. peace and joy
    I sending to all victim positive every trust God for survival in abuse.and trust your self worth
    thank God Iam free for abuse I have My own Asia wellness massage positive energy and beauty I give my best to help people the Body Put in better place and my sickness bornout is Heald and Iam painter of Abstract I do what I can Share the World and happiness positive to help people and guide.

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