THE AGEING NARCISSIST

THE AGEING NARCISSIST

As a narcissist ages, people eventually see through the false charm and see the person for who they really are. Slowly but surely, the narcissist’s social circle dwindles away, one by one people disappear, no longer finding their behaviour acceptable. Most people who have crossed their path in one way or another have borne witness to their deceit and toxicity. Towards the end of their lives there is often not one single living soul who cares whether they live or die. By the time the final curtain falls, they receive what I call poetic justice, getting back what they gave out to others all their lives. As they take their last breath, there’s not a hand to hold, everyone who once cared is long gone. Call it Karma, call it God having the final say, call it what you will… I call it pay back.

Ageing is a process that none of us look forward to, but it IS better than the alternative. Most of us try to age with grace and dignity, having gained wisdom through the years. A narcissist’s behaviour tends to get worse with the passage of time. As time takes its toll on their looks and their health they know that admiration is a thing of the past. Time has taken its toll on their withered frame. They can no longer rely on their outward appearance to attract new supply. They glare at the image staring back at them from the mirror failing to accept the aging face before them. Their mind is not as sharp as it once was. What have they left to look forward to? Retirement? Obscurity? Insignificance? We are always told to look on the inside, look at how someone treats others, look at their heart and look at their soul. It’s the inside that counts. What’s on the inside of a narcissist? Absolutely nothing but an empty shell. As the years roll by the narcissist faces a complete loss of supply and lashes out at anyone unfortunate enough to be within earshot.

WHEN THE NARCISSIST IS LEFT ALONE

I have a strong belief that people who treat others poorly and have no empathy or compassion for others will be shown no compassion in later life. They have spent their entire lives abusing, betraying and demeaning others, aware of what they do, and without a second thought for the pain that they inflict time and time again. Friends and ex-partners have become enemies. If their children haven’t already become strangers, the narcissist may try to buy their children’s love in a feeble attempt to keep them close, believing that they may be the only people left on this earth who will put up with their pernicious behaviour. These meagre efforts to be seen as a good parent may be welcomed by a child who has spent a lifetime seeking mum or dad’s approval. For others, it will be too little too late.

‘An ironic twist of fate…
Their enemy will be their memories.
They can never undo what they’ve done.
They can’t escape their thoughts
When they find themselves alone,
Unloved and abandoned.
When their evil has been uncovered,
The truth will pursue them,
Wherever they go.’

The narcissist is an immature, angry, volatile and controlling individual. They spend their lives attempting to form relationships. Sadly, it’s not a partnership they are seeking but a dictatorship where they have all the power and control. Eventually people get sick and tired of their behaviour and abandon them. A string of failed relationships adds to their already fragile ego. By bringing about their own abandonment as a result of their abusive and despicable behaviour, they inflict upon themselves a deep narcissistic injury. Somehow, the narcissist will delude themselves into believing that their own self destruction is someone else’s fault.

Much like a drug addict without their supply, the narcissist can’t cope when supplies become scarce and runs out. They become chronically depressed and angry and find no pleasure in anything. Their noxious behaviour becomes more demanding and worse by the day. Things that they used to enjoy no longer hold their interest. Their world has become hostile, their social life non-existent. No one wants to be in their company for any length of time. They often become a hermit, closed off from the outside world, blaming everyone else for the situation that they find themselves in. The longer the lack of supply continues, the worse their insecurities and paranoia become.

The narcissist clings desperately to nothing, resenting the passage of time yet helpless to prevent it. They may create fake profiles on social media to stalk people, people that they may never meet or talk to. Surfing the Internet may give them the opportunity to get a little attention from someone, from anyone. They’ve lost faith in themselves. They don’t like themselves and nobody else likes them either, so they think, ‘There’s no point in being nice.’

Narcissists have an enormous fear of their own mortality. As death approaches, they know that complete oblivion is on the horizon. Life gives back to them exactly what they deserve, loneliness and isolation. They find themselves being shunned and ignored. The one thing that they never could control is time. As they move forward to eternity they have the knowledge that there is a final judge, and this time, it’s not them.

THE NARCISSIST AND ILLNESS

People will say that when they have become ill, the narcissist didn’t want to know. They were not interested and basically didn’t care. They saw it as your problem, so get on with it. So what happens when a narcissist gets sick? They will milk it for as long as they can. They will take all the sympathy and concern that they can muster, and then some.

They will see their illness as a reason to demand your attention 24/7. Cast any plans you may have aside. Your focus must be on them until they are better. After you have nursed them back to health, taken them to the doctor, collected their medications and tended to their every need, don’t expect them to show you how grateful they are for your tender loving care. They aren’t. It was your duty after all. You could have done more.

There are times when a narcissist will fake illness, fake a heart attack, fake cancer, in fact fake anything, just to focus attention on themselves. They may do so when you are ill, go one better than you with an illness much worse than yours in order that they get the attention that should be focused on you.

THE NARCISSIST ON THEIR DEATH BED

I am often asked if a narcissist will change when they are on their deathbed. Will they want to put things right and apologize to all those they have hurt in their lifetime? Some people want closure and expect a change of heart from the narcissist as they take their last breath. A deathbed apology is extremely unlikely. They are likely to die the same way that they have lived, hurting others. Many will use this time to twist the knife in just one more time.

Don’t beat yourself up if you decide not to pay them one last visit. It is a matter of looking after yourself, a matter of self-protection. There is no point in opening old wounds to satisfy the demands of someone who inflicted those wounds in the first place. If they wanted your company, they should have shown remorse before this late stage, and they should have acted better.

Pity them for being the person they are if you must, but please be careful to never give them the chance to hurt you again.

Written by Anne McCrea

(From Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse, Shattering the Illusion, now available on Amazon)

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12 thoughts on “THE AGEING NARCISSIST

  1. Oh yes, this is so true. I see my ex being shunned by nearly everyone. He used and exploited people all his life and now his behaviour is coming back to bite him in the ass and man does he deserve it! He’s living his old age alone and yes, nobody cares and his children are waiting for the day he passes over to the hell that’s his forever home.

  2. First. I am not a so called Narcist. I have been affected my whole life from my mother (first) who I do not call a” narcistic”. Yes she ticks most of those behaviours, and “WOULD” be diagnosed as a “NARC” if she was analysed. I don’t call her or anyone a LABLE! Who am I, to label, anyone as anything other than what we all are? A PERSON! She, is a person, a woman, a sister, an auntie,, a wife, a grandmother and MY MOTHER! Those lables are COMPASSION. They are UNDERSTANDING. They are TRUTH! ! They are lables for my mother! She is a PERSON! I see her as a person, therefore, I treat her as a person! Because I am a person! This , person who has traumatised me, devalued my feelings and experiences, and has been all those nasty things to myself and sister and father too. She has also, always, fed us, washed our clothes, given us whatever we wanted, and she has always been whatever she could be to us. COULD BE! Evil she is not. She is a person! Damaged. Hurt. Traumatised. Affected. Unconscious. Egotistical. Manipulative. Angry. Abusive. So true. But is that the person or their abuser comind through? Or maybe my great grandfather showing his evil? How far back does this trauma go?? I don’t know. All I know, is this is where that trauma ends! With me! I will not continue this energy through me to my kids, or allow it too affect anyone around me neither! Threads like your show, unhealed, pride filled, vinductivness, and victim play, that is just a view of someone, from a PERSON who is not better than her abuser, but need to point at the NARCS to believe they are NOT a NARC, and to FEEL Free of the NARC’s pain. (Secondly) I am aware, conscious, and knowledgeable on behaviour. I truly understand her, and only because I truly understand MYSELF! Have I done those things NARCS do? Ofromr two, here and there, over 43 years, in moments that didn’t feel true to me means, I am not a NARC! and neither is anyone! People affect people. My mother may pass on and never been able to surrender her pain, and ego, and never truly been able to connect in her heart space with anyone, but she won’t ever be remember only for what she done. But what she was unable to give because of abuse to her! That, is compassion, for the person, who is my mother, and who has given me life, and hell, and a tad of her love, by giving material to me that I wanted growing up! She showed her love there. Who am I to complain. I never went without toys, sweets, and pocket money. I never had NO, if I asked. She got nothing but beatings, unfair treatment and abused , and controlled by father, and brothers forced to work from 12 years old, and until 29 years old until she migrated to Australia from Greece for that to stop. You recon you could live that, and without a mother who died when my mum was a child, and have 11 siblings whom are ALL abusing each other. 29 years! Should I expect anything other than a head case, who has dark pain and shit behaviour, locked into her void, by her ego?? She wasn’t a so called NARC, when she was born. She was LOVE! Who was destroyed by a destroyed man, who was destroyed by a destroyed PERSON ETC ETC. (FINALY). I Married a NARC, then divorced her, fell in love so deeply with another NARC, who reached in and tore my soul out , destroyed my world, and abandoned me!! I thank her! After all this lifetime of pain and abuse, here I am , complete, alive , true, loving, caring, and healing, and all because I am LOVE! I was neglected and I searched love in all these women who couldnt fill this desire. I found it. In ME! YES they all hurt me, badly, but they all gave something too, that has affected me to be who I am today! I wouldn’t change a single thing if I could, and I will never be abused like that again. I will never expect something from someone who can’t give it, or nor do I need, love, approval, nurturing, or a woman to complete me! I am complete! They, the so called NARCS, ARE NOT COMPLETE! Are you? Doesn’t sound like you are. . I hope my words help you see the truth, through your tears. My mother is now, 81, she has renal failure, and is à prescription drug addict, and she is also lashing out more, and seems to be feeling more fearful , and IS getting nastier! So I am now her full time carer, and my father is with us too, very frail and need care too. I said, I AM LOVE, therefore I must give LOVE, to BE love, because I FEEL love, only then can I stay true to the meaning of LOVE! Q)What is the meaning of love?? A) READ MY THREAD AGAIN!

    1. They are not normal people, George. Normal people do not treat others like that. There is NO excuse for their behavior. Clinical psychiatry calls it Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Abuse. It isnt a label any more than calling somebody a diabetic. It is a very real, very dangerous mental disorder. There are countless medical journals you can check out from hospitals. It isnt a “label”. Its a bonafide mefical condition and mental disorder that sadly there is no cure for.

      1. Narc’s usually know that they are a narc. And they may be one of the hardest people to become a decent human being to others. But there is a way for their healing and probably the only way. Whether you agree with me or not the way is from the one who created them, but not their narcism. The way is a complete surrender of their heart, mind and soul to Jesus Christ. With Christ in them then they can have a change of heart and a change of character to be like the one they focus their mind on, who gives them the power they need to change . . .

  3. Makes me wonder where I stand. I admire someone, who can forgive. But I also cannot force myself to forgive and love. Actually love is the one thing you cannot pretend

  4. I read your article with interest, and the bit about narcissists milking illnesses describes my mother-in-law to a tee! However, the things you write about “justice” and about narcissists slowly being revealed to others, and thus getting left alone, fall flat.

    What your article and insight misses is the fact that narcissists NEED SUPPLY until their dying day. If one person abandons them or goes “no contact”, they will desperately replace them with another. Sources of supply can come from literally anywhere – all the narcissist needs is one person gullible enough to fall for their nonsense. Furthermore, whilst it may be the case that some people spot the narcissist, and therefore decide to cease contact, others do not. Some narcissists may indeed die alone because people have called them out, and recognise what they are. However, others – perhaps more manipulative ones – will always work to find sources of supply, and people they can hang around.

    This is where your bit about ILLNESS is so important – though you seem to have missed that fact. Perhaps you did not pursue the line of inquiry far enough, because you were onto a really good idea, but stopped short!

    The aging narcissist, as you rightly say, fears aging – loss of control, and loss of people to control around them. Some of their elderly friends and acquaintances (or, really, narcissistic supply and flying monkeys) will die before they do. I doubt that any bona-fide narcissist will just accept this. Rather, they will try to find new people to emotionally leech-off.

    This is where, if the narcissist is really cunning, they can actually USE AGING TO THEIR ADVANTAGE. You see, most developed countries have a health and social care system, as well as an expectation that family members look after frail relatives. Even “Third World” countries still place expectations on family members to care for elderly, sick and infant relatives. So, being elderly and/or sick can really play to a narcissist’s ADVANTAGE.

    My mother-in-law is a wonderful “case study” in respect of this. She has been demanding, intrusive and emotionally manipulative for as long as I can remember. She has NO boundaries whatsoever, and has three sons, all of whose lives she pokes her nose into. I am married to one son, and for the duration of my marriage, have felt my mother-in-law’s wrath directed towards me because (in her words) “I took her son away” and “I changed him”.

    I have experienced name-calling, smear-campaigns and gossip behind my back, insults to my face, criticism of my housekeeping. I have been called “selfish” for having a career and qualifications. I have had to put up with my mother-in-law’s judgment of me on all levels – she criticises me for being slim, for dressing nicely to please myself and my husband. She criticises me for having fertility problems, and for not having given her the grandchildren she demanded (she even went behind my back to ask my own mother about this). She compares my career, qualifications and abilities both to her own, and to those of her sons – seeing me as a problem because I am a postgraduate researcher (in HER eyes, men should be the “breadwinners”, unless married to HER!).

    She places incredible demands on my husband and I, to the point where we feel we have no space for our own lives. She asks us (or, rather, expects us) to walk her dog for her, tidy her house and gardens for her, visit her incessantly – and if we don’t she moans. She turned up constantly without invitation at our house, sometimes just as we were going out, and sulked if we told her we were busy. This ended in a row, when we told her to phone before visiting, to check we were in. She took this extremely personally, as if we had no right to ask for time to ourselves. After this incident, I became aware she had bad-mouthed me around the local community, saying I was “keeping her son from her”. She then complained to anyone and everyone who would listen about my husband and I, saying we were “selfish” and accusing us of being less than dutiful relatives. She also attempted to infer we were “antisocial” and “had no friends”.

    She has stolen from us in the past – when we called her out on this, she had what I can only describe as equivalent to a toddler’s “temper tantrum”, with screaming and crying and (fake) tears. She even claimed we were “giving her a heart attack”. Suffice it to say she NEVER returned what she stole. Her behaviour in general got worse after her husband dies, as she became increasingly needy and demanding. Around this time, she assumed the “poor, sickly me” role.

    Now, she claims to have all manner of ailments – from respiratory to heart problems. What is true, and what is exaggerated, is hard to say. However, she is always making medical insurance and medical negligence claims! This annoys me, as I have had significant health problems myself, which affected my fertility, mobility, and career. I have had to have multiple surgeries, and ongoing treatment. I am left with damage to my spine, damage to my left hip, and fertility problems – as a result of treatment for Endometriosis. I also have anaemia and respiratory problems.

    Whenever I am ill, my mother-in-law “competes” with me (that is how it feels). If I am ill, she has to be more ill. If I am in pain, then it is nothing compared to her pain. She even (quote) dismissed Endometriosis as “trivial” (a condition for which I have had FIVE invasive surgeries close to my bladder and bowel)! On one occasion, she had one of my brothers-in-law phone demanding that my husband and I go round to look after her, and I told him that I was due to have surgery the next day. His reply included the words “That’s trivial”, and then he went on to explain how my mother-in-law expected us to visit anyway!

    She constantly has to let people (including family) know of ALL her doctor’s appointments, and seems to expect that somebody must go with her. She demands AMBULANCES to take her to these appointments, even though she can go out of the house no problem for shopping, or to the Library, or out for meals in restaurants! She is an ex-Nurse, so she is literally MILKING the illness thing, and knows just how to demand sympathy, plus who from.

    My husband and I went no-contact for some time. During this time, my mother-in-law enlisted the help of all manner of “Care Agencies”, claiming she was elderly, ill and alone. She uses this to HER ADVANTAGE. Now, she has visits from a Hospice Worker, from a Social Care Worker, from community Nurses, a dog walker and from domestic cleaning agencies. She uses these visits to sit and talk constantly about herself, moan about her illness, and to demand that people do things for her. On one occasion, I heard her demanding that the Hospice Worker put the bins out for her! The cleaning lady does FAR MORE THAN CLEAN – she gardens, puts rubbish out for the trash men, and walks the dog! My mother-in-law has contacted ME just TODAY to ASK ME TO WALK THE DOG!! Fortunately, I was busy!

    IF YOU BUY A DOG, EXPECT TO LOOK AFTER IT YOURSELF!!!

    So, your belief that aged narcissists die alone is probably unfounded. What I suspect is that they move from harassing family, who maybe HAVE got sick of them, to using other people who have even less choice. The Welfare (Health and Social Care) System allows narcissistic elderly people no end of opportunities for power, control and manipulation. Basically, all they need to do is moan about aches and pains (real or imagined) and Doctors/Nurses/Social Workers/Care Workers are obliged because of the nature of their job to listen. THIS is all an elderly narcissist needs! I’ll bet it feels like manna from heaven for them! An endless opportunity to demand that somebody fusses round them, whilst they sit and gripe about real, or imaginary, illnesses. And care staff CANNOT refuse, because…
    a) Their job description is to intervene, assess the situation, and provide suitable care
    b) It would look bad on THEM if they refused to provide care to an old person (even if the person was faking illness) because the old person was narcissistic
    c) It is very hard to prove either that an elderly person IS faking illness, or that they ARE narcissistic…

    So, personally, I believe that elderly narcissists DO NOT die alone. Instead, they milk the Health and Social Care System for all they can get – in the form of medical welfare benefits, or visits from care staff, or even making claims against health care providers for financial gain. Narcissists are narcissists FOR LIFE, and their self-centred behaviours will stay with them in old age. So, what better way for an elderly narcissist to gain lots and lots of attention – plus guilt-trip everyone around them – other than to complain of age-related frailty and illness!

  5. Look. Reading the first post actually is the saddest story there is. That is sad! They were born pure, and undamaged. They ended up ,,,well,, really toxic! Pure to toxic! Their behavior is putred and toxic as their abuse was! You want to heal, and actually make them accountable for their abuse and toxicity?? Then, Forgive them, for you, first, and their soul second cause that just may be the final nail to a generational toxicity that just gets carried forward. End it! Heal you, and force accountability upon them by saying, “your a person, your not perfect, you have been abusive and I know exactly how and when! But I FORGIVE YOU, cause your a person, and IRS NOT OK, but just TRUE! YOUDONT need there affirmation, just their bewilderment, when you smile from healing, while they feel their karna! It is theirs and the healing will be yours! You can heal! You can survive. You WILL! I HAVE!

  6. This is just wishful thinking! The NARC will ALWAYS have a clinger / narc supply!! When my ex was on his death bed there were 6 women surrounding his bed!! After the final breath was taken and they were taking him away …the women actually started fighting who was going to get his bed!!! The NARC can always find supply!!!

  7. This is an excellent article about narc demons. I think that personally more and more people are being educated as to what these things are. Yes, monsters really and truly do exist. Who would have thought? So these demons are here to try and steal the souls of God’s children, that is their only purpose. Resist the narc demons, always disappoint them and never give them a penny! Laugh at them whenever possible 🙂

  8. This has got to be one of the best articles ever written about narcissists and narcissistic abuse. It’s becoming very prevalent and noticeable in society now that these intraspecies predators are on the rise. The problem is, most normal people who have not ever encountered one of these demon possessed people can understand the depth of deception and cruelty delivered by these entities. Truly they are not human any longer if they ever were. Either they were born this way or at some point in their lives made a pact with the devil. Either way, they are evil to the core and must be guarded against in every way possible. Their goal is to kill and destroy and they will go to any lengths to get their way, for no reason at all other than to damage people and steal souls. It sounds crazy yes but it is 110% the truth about these sick puppies. The sooner that normal people are able to identify these monsters the better.

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