Should I destroy their lives to save myself?

Should I destroy their lives to save myself?

I am planning to leave my narcissist this week.  I have been secretly packing and planning to leave while he’s at work.  I feel sick.  As it grows closer I already have regret and sadness.  I want to leave, but I don’t want to destroy his life or the lives of his kids.  I have been raising them for several years.  We do not have children together but I am very attached to his kids.  I know after this week I will never see them again.  I also know this is what’s best for my own child and myself.  He isn’t physically abusive.  Aside from that, he’s a total narc.  Except his lies are mostly to improve the way others perceive him and gas-lighting me.  In fact, through the marriage I have lied a lot more than him.  Maybe that’s not fair to myself.  What I mean is I lie to avoid his wrath, and sometimes I lie to just not have to deal with him.  I lie about the amount of money I have, all sorts of things.  If I don’t, he manipulates and guilts me until I give up.  His tactic is destroy someone mentally to get his way.  He says he’s very honest and most people believe he is a kind, funny, charismatic guy.  In fact, it’s me who they think is the horrible one.  They pity him. This is a ramble.  I’m struggling.  I have questioned myself a thousand times from every angle.  Maybe I am the narc, maybe I am the personality disorder.  I even went to have a complete mental diagnostic assessment done.  I am not a narc.  I have PTSD, Anxiety disorder and some other things, but not a personality disorder.  Is any of this normal? Should I destroy three people’s lives to save myself?

3 thoughts on “Should I destroy their lives to save myself?

  1. You are not destroying lives, he is. As sad as it would be to leave his children in that situation, you must save yourself and your own child. if you can, try to give his kids some tools for coping, books on narcs, or alert their school counselor. But go, and don’t look back.

    1. Ugggh, almost the same situation except we have 2 kids together. Mine has been physically abusive and made everyone’s life generally miserable! I kicked mine out 5 months ago after 19 years and still sometimes struggle with whether or not I did the right thing. My head knows I did, but self doubt still nags me. I too lied more, to avoid his wrath, to avoid arguments, to avoid having something used against me later…etc! I got a domestic abuse restraining order because he was physically abusive in the past and was currently stalking me in every way including a tracking device in my car. Honestly, I needed that as much to keep me from buying his bs and going back as I do protection from him (although I do need protection as he’s a very crazy loose cannon). Be prepared for the horrible smear campaign and to lose most of your mutual friends! Those kids are the first and hardest thing he’ll use against you. Some days are better than others, but I still struggle a lot! I know it’s for the best, but it’s not easy. Be prepared and be vigilant in your resolve! Good luck and best wishes!

  2. SO proud of you for what you’re doing. Your sadness and grief are totally normal; trust me, it passes with time. Saving yourself is the only thing you can do, for you, your child AND his children. Let them know you’ll always be there for them. Then, friend, let go and let God. The only change you can make in this situation is “of address” because a narc will bullshit you emotionally until the moon falls out of the sky, but if you keep telling your heart the truth – HE IS INCAPABLE – it will eventually sink in. Trust me. I have walked this EXACT PATHWAY, for one year, and life is peaceful, my daughter is healing, I am enjoying life and finding myself again. Stay focused. Oh, and of the smear campaign against you that lies ahead? Mine was amazingly awful – it passes, people DO start to see through them, and your best bet is to totally ignore him and change the subject with humor should anyone choose to “share stories” with you.

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