Is he playing with my head?
I’ve just left my marriage with a narc and am finding it so hard. I still love him but know he will never change. He is starting to get into my head that he isn’t that way and it’s me can you please just verify I’m not the one in the wrong. It started just sill things like isolating me then when he did anything I would get silent treatment for weeks ignoring my texts then making me beg for forgiveness and to try even though it was him in wrong. Then violence stated for things he thought were true but I had evidence they were not. He started hiding all our savings and accused me of giving money to my adult kids which I was clearly not as had no money to give them then it turns out he was buying his cars and other things and giving them money regularly. He would lie about silly things then turn it on me when I do fronted him. I finally had enough and am now in a womens refuge as he told me I was mistake and went into spare room for 2 weeks with no speaking or anything. I left him 2 weeks ago and now he is sending msgs saying I belong by his side then others accusing me of untrue things like changing my name and deleting photos which is so untrue. And saying I’m the crazy one destroying us. Is it me or is he just playing with my head as he has done for all these years? I’m so low and feel stuck. Thanks
7 thoughts on “Is he playing with my head?”
Welcome to “detoxing” – the first phase after you leave the narc, when you try to find YOUR balance again. YES, he is screwing with your head just as he always has. Dear one, your description here is of a lunatic life style – do you really want to go back to that? And it always, always, always gets worse when you go back. There has been violence, and you are in a woman’s shelter. Get therapy. Start educating yourself about what he has – an INCURABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER. He may “love bomb” you to try to get you back – all games, games, games. It is up to you whether you return or not. If you are serious about getting free, getting help for yourself and getting your life back, block him from being able to reach you and start focusing on getting back in your own skin. Otherwise, you allow him to keep the game going, and you stay in confusion. Trust me, two years out – there’s no more confusion (which is cognitive dissonance) and life is damned good!
Another thing you can ask yourself: with all you’ve listed above describing his behaviors, what do you love about that? Not criticizing, just pointing out that most of us find out that we were in love with our dream of what they “could” be. What they ARE is NOT LOVEABLE, it’s in fact disgusting. And don’t allow yourself to make excuses for him. Learn to love YOU – it’s part of the process of healing. Put your love on YOU, in order to heal.
He is without a doubt doing the only thing he knows to do and that is Messi g with your head. I’m a survivor if 33 years if NARS. Abuse. What you are feeling is normal. You only know what unfortunately he has programmed you to know. I know the silence that they punish you with, the second guessing yourself, the thinking I’m a strong woman I can fix him , when in reality I was only breaking myself. I ended up getting up the courage last year to leave and let me tell you I was willing to forgive everything but one thing you don’t do in their mind is leave a NARS. Turns out I was only afraid of change outside of my abussive marriage. When I tried working things out he rejected me and it left me feeling suicidal. I attempted it twice last year and succeeded once, but God had other plans for me. It was like I had to purge myself from him completely to truly feel freedom from him and his illness. I put myself in counseling and it was a grueling process to heal. I found out I suffer from Cronic PTSD and Stockholm syndrome. I put on the “Brady Bunch ” facade and stuck it out for my children’s sake only to end up with a daughter exactly like him and a 33 year old son being punished just the same as me. I ended up damaging all three of us for the sake of him. I will never be 100% healed from this but I am surviving one second, one minute, hour, day, week, month, year at a time. Do not second guess the gut wrenching feelings you felt to leave. It takes time for your heart to catch up to your mind I tell myself. I’m a stranger but proud of you that you made the first step of saving yourself. The healing is a process, and living situation is just but a hicup to better things. The best advice I can give you is to love yourself. The rest will fall into place. I have been there I married him twice. I was 16 when I married and I was 49 when I finally left. I might have lost material things and financial security, but I gained so much more. I found out who I really am. I was a good wife, but just to the wrong man. I am a good mother, hard worker, talented, giving, loving, caring, woman who just stayed in s relationship that was destined to fail. Take this time to reflect, journal your feelings, and find the real you. You’ll be surprised how proud of yourself you will be. My councilor said I stayed to long. She made me laugh hysterically when she said I didn’t just scrape the bottom of the barrel I licked it. It was then I realized I deserved so much better and so do you. You must cut off all ties to him. You are stronger than you think and you can do this. I believe in you if no one else does.
I went through this as well. I kept going back because he made it seem like he didn’t do anything wrong, and it was all me. I somehow always over looked it, wanting that person that I wanted him to be when he did have a moment of kindness. But some how I was the one who always caused him to have to leave me so he said. But in reality all I was guilty of was trying to take a stand for myself. I wanted to be treated on the same level that he demanded for himself. But I was the problem for doing so. It was never his actions as the problems, it was my reaction was the problem in his eyes. You can never win. They will always come out on top.
It does get worse each time you go back.
My N probably left me 30 times within 7 yrs. Each time he came back it only got worse. My N is a deep grudge holder, and anything that I did that in his eyes caused him to leave, he would harbor it, and within a few weeks, all his fury would come rushing back with even more anger because now he’s added the last split to it. Before this last, and final split ( thank God), it got unbearable. His anger, and rage was unmanageable. He started hitting me on a more regular bases. Seems with each episode of rage, it became easier for him to hit me, while raging an inch from my face to the top of his lungs. His sorrys were only to stop his own discomfort of thinking I’m going to leave him. He resented having to say sorry. By saying sorry meant he did something, and they can’t face that maybe it’s them. So, don’t believe anything they say. If you do get a “I am sorry” , or “ You belong here with me”, don’t buy into it. It’s manipulation. They only say those things to get you back in their control. They want their perceived pain to stop, but that’s all it is. They do the leaving, we don’t leave them! The N can’t handle being left. They will say or do anything to get you back. Once back, you will pay the price. Trust me! They will never be able to be in a healthy loving relationship. They see nothing wrong with who they are. If they could, the amount of time, and work it would take to recover, they couldn’t do it. They have no ability to any insight of who they are, and how they treat others. Sorry to say but it’s hopeless… Stay strong. Read as much as you can about the personality disorder. It will help give you insight to who, and what your dealing with. They are very toxic ppl. The N will try and drag you back in. He needs you as his source. They are emotional vampires!
What about when you are away from your narc spouse for 2 years and still are trauma bonding? Mine tried to come back into my life twice but for the most part doesnt care to talk or see me. We are divorcing.
It’s difficult to come to terms with the relationship as you wished it was or thought/hoped it would be. Whereas the reality is in fact a fake relationship (unloving) causing you a lot of harm, and therefore having a detrimental effect on your family, work and friends too. It’s better to acknowledge the reality that the relationship is truly abusive and disgustingly dangerous to you, generated by someone sick with an incurable Personality Disorder. He’ll never change his misogynistic faulty thinking, unfortunately. Good luck with your new life of freedom and happiness long term. This is an exciting stage. Lots of love to you as you and your family deserve a lot better.
Yes. He is “playing with your head”, which he knows how to do. He loves himself…not you. Stay away from him! Block all ways that he can contact you! Do whatever it takes to start your life over. I allowed mine back into my life after we were divorced… remarried him and found his “changes” were only to lure me back. THIS time around I was not silent with friends and family about how he treated me. When they would confront him he showed his real self, instead of the fake “wonderful man” they all thought he was. NOW they see him for the sick man he is. My divorce will he final soon.
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