Discussion Board
I am often asked if a narcissist is on their deathbed and asks to see you, should you go? Will there be some sort of recognition and apology for what they have done or will it just be a matter of hurting you one more time? What are your thoughts or experiences?
15 thoughts on “Discussion Board”
An opportunity to hurt you one more time.
Interesting question. My husband father who is a narc had dementia. He has asked to speak to his estranged daughter. Luckily they can’t find her. I think it is just to twist the knife one more last time.
When my Dad was dying from cancer it wasn’t as difficult to be around him as it had been most of my life, but it was difficult for the hospital staff and hard for me to witness. He was just as mean and unappreciative as he had ever been, to them. His treatment of me was kind and he told me he knew he could depend on me. It hurt every time he said it, because my father had a wonderful wife and beautiful children who loved him in spite of the the hell he put all of us through. He’d been asking for my mother, but she had finally left him 10 years ago, after 50 years of marriage and at the time she wasn’t interested in seeing him. She believed it would only be to hurt her. However, a few weeks before he died and was very fragile, she went to see him. He hadn’t seen, nor heard from her for over 10 years, because he had gotten so terrifying my siblings and I arranged for her to vanish to another state. We didn’t want to, but we started fearing for her life and so had she. When she walked into the hospital room my father’s face lit up and he said, you’re so beautiful. It was the most saddest and beautiful moment I ever witnessed in my life. I left the room to give them privacy. Afterwards my mother shares with me some of what he said. That she’d done nothing to deserve his treatment of her, it was how he was taught and he’s sorry. Only God knows if he was sincere, but my mother is a beautiful human being and she forgave him.
My narcissist, the man who left me two weeks before the wedding, blocked me from all communication immediately. One year later, I hear through friends that he is dying. I try to reach out to his brother, his sister; both ignore me. I send an email to my narcissist telling him how I still love him, asking if I can help. No answer. I send another, offering help. I receive a ‘thank you’. I friend request him on Facebook because I know he posts medical updates on his feed. As soon as we ‘friend’, he sets the updates to private and only posts songs dedicated to the OW. I unfriend him. So no, they don’t change. Although I don’t know how he could die and just leave this unfinished, I can tell you that he has ruined me-for relationships, for any joy I might feel in my life. I go through the motions only…
They are sadistic. Believe me, he was proud of the effect his sadism had on you. Tough lesson. Please don’t allow it to ruin you. That would be giving him an award for what he did to you.
They’re incapable of admitting to the incredible harm or damage that they’ve caused you and to be empathetic or sorry about it in any form. If they want to see you, it’s just to harness your sorrow and empathy as a final means of gaining that one last thrill of a willing narcissistic supply. In the end, they’ll have the last word and set you up for another painful injury and set of memories that you’ll have to recover from as your life continues on long after theirs has finally ended. I’m sure they get a thrill of living on in the minds of their victims long after they moved on from this physical plain. They’re incredibly sick until the end of their days and shouldn’t be given an additional chance to cause their victims greater harm.
THANK YOU.
It’s the simple truth, and you said it best.
I would go but not for them, for me. Knowing I was a good person to go see someone dying, the apology would mean nothing.
Oh please. You ~need~ that? No you don’t. You ARE a good person. Going to the deathbed of your abuser does not make you a good person.
He/she would only want you there to give YOU the opportunity to say YOU were sorry!! Even on their death bed it would be all about them and it would be all your fault.
My mother is in her 80s, and I am on low contact (I visit her at her retirement home, basically just to bring her things she needs and for things like Mother’s Day). I sincerely dread her passing from any prolonged illness. This is partially from compassion – I would hate for anyone to suffer – and partially from a sense of self-preservation. Visits now are nothing but a non-stop stream of complaints – the food, the staff, the owner, on and on, despite her receiving excellent care from truly wonderful people. I can only imagine what illness would bring out.
No, I don’t see any point in re-connecting with a narcissist once they are out of your life. They think of no one but themselves, have no empathy, no compassion, and that will not change. If they want to see you, it’s because it suits their agenda – and we all know that agenda is all about them: what they want, what they need.
There are so many “good” women out there who were trained to do the right thing and be the better person and all that. What we desperately need to realize is that training to be “good” and better than our abusers and good Christians, etc. is what made us attractive to the narc in the first place. Once we have been grievously abused and taken advantage of, we are released from any obligation that we were trained to BELIEVE we have. We don’t have to forgive. We don’t have to be bitter, either. Our obligation is to care for ourselves. Period. Don’t go to the deathbed. They’re just trying to manipulate you like they always did. NARCISSISTS never change. Go to the funeral, though, to make sure they’re truly dead.
My mother asked me to visit with her when she was diagnosed with lung cancer, I held off for a few weeks as I was uncertain of what would be said to me.
I eventually caved in and went to stay with her for 5 days. She was lovely to me whilst others were in the room, but totally vile when alone.
She died 3 days after I returned home, and the day after her funeral I received a letter dated the day before she died, I only read 2 lines, then i burned it.
I there and then decided she couldn’t hurt me anymore now she’s dead so why torture myself reading her toxic words. No good would come of it.
I’d go, take them a padlock and chain, hand it to them and tell them to lock the gates of hell when they pass through because when they get in there it will then be full and turn and walk away and not give them a chance to say anything to me.
I’d go, and tell her that I was only there to watch her take her last breath
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