Browsed by
Category: Ask the Audience

I used to be so strong and capable

I used to be so strong and capable

I have been following your Facebook page with such interest. I have a Narc mother – and I think I may have a Narc husband but I’m getting confused about if maybe I’m the awful one. My mother never liked me – would humiliate me constantly in order to make herself look good – I can’t even begin to describe what she did to me over the years. It makes me feel so sick.

My husband has no empathy. After my mastectomy we inadvertently ended up by a beach and I just froze – he walked off saying that it wasn’t his problem and that there would always be beautiful women to look at.

Time after time after time things happened like this – going to dinner and being ignored, going to pick the dogs up from the kennel and being ignored. I had major surgery a few years ago and had to ask him not to flirt with the nurses just for that day.

When I’m sad or in need of attention from my oncologist he withholds all care. He is fine when I’m ‘behaving’ but the minute there is any pressure he withdraws and withholds and it doesn’t matter how sad or hurt I am he just stares at me angrily and keeps saying f ‘well what do you want to do about it’.

Everything is met with anger, detachment, withholding of love or compassion or empathy. He doesn’t talk to his two children because they don’t ‘care’ about his troubles with their mother. So many hard things – so much anger and awful cold aggression – but I’m starting to think maybe it’s me? Maybe my needs are selfish? Maybe I’m the one who is just expecting too much? Or maybe if my other is a cruel and unkind narcissist – well maybe I am one too?

Can you help me? I have just gotten some anxiety tablets today to try and help me settle down – but I truly am worried that maybe I’m the one making things difficult empty and sad.

Thank you for your site,  xx I’m so ashamed of everything – I used to be so strong and capable. My cancer and subsequent partner have kind of thrown me.

I’ve never been treated so poorly by somebody

I’ve never been treated so poorly by somebody

We met in October 2014. Although he was asking me to marry him within weeks, we married September 2015. He is now 53, I’ll be 29 this year.  I’ve never been treated so poorly by somebody.  I knew nothing about these kinds of people. Why is it so difficult to get away? I filed for divorce February 2017. He cried promising to be a better man, blaming me and everyone else for the way he is.  He has the addiction problem, pain pills.  There’s no confronting the lies because then I’m being a drama queen, backing him into corners, and making him walk on egg shells.  “I’m 53 years old, I don’t need to answer to anybody!” But yet I’m supposed to? I got screamed at when I mentioned getting a part time job.

Since I’ve filed we are still living together, he was supposed to have spinal surgery, but they won’t do it unless he quits smoking, “how much do you want to bet on the 7th I’ll never touch one of these again, I have to do it for my family” he didn’t, then lied and hid cigarettes.  The most I was doing was holding him accountable so he could get fixed.  But I was a bad person for it.  Part of holding off court was so he could do surgery and in meantime (estimated 1 month) we would go to counselling.  We’ve had 1 session which was not helpful, and the surgery most likely won’t happen anytime soon.  I have concerns for other drug use.  Why am I still here when I know I don’t want to be with him, I know I deserve better, so much better.  I’m young and going into my prime with a child (7, not his.) He’s old with all sorts of health problems.  He’s being especially nice now, trying to get me to move us to Florida, 1500 miles away.  My mind won’t let me think, won’t let me act.  I see it, I just can’t do it! How!?

There’s so much more and I’m scared it’ll get worse overtime.  Time he doesn’t deserve from me anymore
I don’t want to be on my deathbed regretting

I don’t want to be on my deathbed regretting

Thank you for being here.  Feeling haunted by a former narc abuser who was the director of a dance troupe I was involved in. I went and stayed no contact over six years ago. This person has moved clear across the country.  I am just starting to renew my desire to dance and teach dance again (I loved it most of my life before her) but when I go to practice my body goes numb. I don’t want to be on my death bed regretting not dancing because of her manipulation gas lighting etc.  Any suggestions I would love and welcome.
How long did it take?

How long did it take?

It’s been four long years.  I’ve done the counselling.  I’m doing things for myself and I would say that I am content.  I’m enjoying the peace but for some reason I still think of him every day. I try not to but the thoughts creep in.  Will they ever go away? How long did it take you all to finally say… I’m there, I’m fully recovered? Does it ever really happen? I don’t think I’ll trust anyone again.  I’m destined to spend the rest of my life alone. Not what I dreamed of but I’m ok with it! I’d really appreciate your thoughts. ❤️
You were born a loser and will die a loser

You were born a loser and will die a loser

My Narc is my Mama, I am 46 years old, been disabled since I was 17…I hear the words, “You were born a loser and will die a loser,” (from my mom) over and over.  She has tortured and tormented my soul and she relishes in my physical and emotional pain.  How can one be so black hearted cruel?
How can I help my daughter?

How can I help my daughter?

How can I help my 21 year old daughter who has been systematically stripped of any ambition, independence and self esteem? She still lives with her mother, from whom I am divorced, and who clearly has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I lost my son in December, to a serious depressive illness, he was 25. In 2015 he asked me to collect him from his mother’s home, whilst visiting her during his University summer break. He said he “could not take it anymore” and “did not know who he was anymore.” He had been subject to protracted rants lasting up to three hours, by his mother for such demeanours as using HER electricity to charge his phone, by him spending HER taxes in buying himself a new T.V from his University bursary etc. He was criticised for wanting to pursue a career in teaching. He was told he would not “hack it as a teacher “.

In the latter months of his life he was very troubled by his sense of guilt over his broken relationship with his mother, who continued to abuse him emotionally. It was not his fault she had robbed him of his identity, she continued to emotionally abuse him whenever he had contact which became very rare and now after his tragic death, his mother is manipulating my daughter, threatening me with court injunctions for harassment, for trying to maintain contact with my daughter who had been effectively estranged from me and my family for nearly seven years, since I crawled out of the marriage in a seriously depressed state. My daughter has been physically assaulted for having contact with me. She has no privacy. Having carefully controlled her private life, her friends, her future aspirations, denying her contact with me, Her mother then manipulated her into sending me texts when my son died, but these stopped once her mother realised I was not going to give her the attention she craved.

Having had no contact whatsoever with my family in seven years, her mother even expressed disappointment to my parents over the phone that no one had been to see her from my family when my son died, even though she has actively dissuaded my children from having contact with my family throughout their lives.

My daughter is manipulated into sending letters on her mother’s behalf regarding funeral costs with no regard for proper procedure, or any recognition that I am his legal representative. Something which her mother tried to challenge but failed. She shows no compassion or remorse, she cannot understand the concept of a Thanksgiving Service to celebrate his short life. I organised such a service for my son and that took place after his funeral. She says “it is meaningless.”

I fear for my daughter, she is under tremendous manipulative control.

Who would believe me?

Who would believe me?

My narc father has fooled nearly everyone in the neighbourhood and the church.  Everyone thinks he’s a great family man but he’s treated his family like dirt since as long as I can remember.  My mother probably suffered the most with constant put downs and endless silent treatments when he didn’t get his own way.  When he walks out the door he’s so charming to everyone he meets laughing and joking as if he’s the world’s best dad.  I want people to know the truth.  How do I do it?  Who will believe me?  He’s ruined my mum’s life and mine.
I really fear for her mental health

I really fear for her mental health

My best friend has been having a relationship with a narcissist on and off for 6 years. He was married, frequently left his wife for my friend, but always went back for one reason or another. He’s controlling, emotionally abusive to her (and hates me obviously). He’s said and done some terrible things to her over the years but she gives it a few months and then starts it all up again.

I can’t understand it and this time when he throws her away again I really fear for her mental health. She had done so well with zero contact etc. and I am at a loss as to how to make her see sense.

I’m actually worried that she’ll be left alone because I can’t watch her suffer him any more. We’ve been friends for 30 years. Many thanks

I am now a shadow of my former self

I am now a shadow of my former self

I would like some tips please:

How do I rebuild my strength and stop getting sucked in by the lies (always promising to change but never does) while living with my narcissistic husband so that I can leave him? I want to emotionally detach from him without making it obvious.

I’ve been married to a man for 15 years who has many narcissistic traits. Both my parents are malignant narcissists and he’s an improvement on them. I guess I kept telling myself at least he’s not cruel like them.

He’s not violent or aggressive but he has no empathy, is completely self centred, demands constant praise and attention, never admits wrongdoing or accepts responsibility, engages in constant ego stroking and expects me to pander to his every whim, neglects me when I’m sick and drains me dry.

We have a teenage child, who is expected to pander to him and is also neglected by him.

He goes to counselling to humour me but plays the victim, has a humble façade and always manages to convince them I’m too demanding etc. He has improved since we got married but it’s been excruciatingly slow. He resents me wanting him to grow and says that nothing he does for me is ever good enough and that’s because he does nothing for me. If he does something for me like buy flowers once a year he expects me to thank him a million times; it’s exhausting. I feel like I give him everything, our life revolves around his wants and I have to be grateful for crumbs.

I want to leave him but need to get my financial affairs secured first. I have absolutely no one I feel safe sharing this with and no support. Everyone who knows us thinks I’m so lucky to have him. My health is very poor, I have major depressive disorder and Complex PTSD.  I need to get stronger so I can work but can’t seem to get better despite counselling.

I used to be a wealthy and successful professional but am now a shadow of my former self. I’ve contemplated suicide countless times but don’t want my child to be stuck with him.