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Don’t play with fire to prove it burns

Don’t play with fire to prove it burns

Just thought I’d share my experience.

A month ago I left my what I know now as narcissistic partner.  I’d had too much…felt absolutely insane with the things he’d put me through despite him making me believe that it was my fault.  I booked a flight one night and left the next day arriving back with my family on the other side of the country.

First off he was all very, “I miss you.  I love you”.  Then I found out 2 days after I’d left he was with someone else.  Great love?  Soul mate?  Ha!

So I went No Contact after a friend had advised me all she knew about narcissistic people in relationships from her experience.

I studied and researched.  Crammed my mind with information about this disorder.  All whilst dealing with the crippling anxiety and loss of identity, and the absolute heartbreak of losing a ‘person’ I loved with all my heart.

So…curiosity got the cat.  I broke No Contact.  Partly because I didn’t believe it and wanted to give it another chance, and partly to see whether he would run through the cycle.

After 2 weeks…love bombing to unbelievable levels, slow creation of doubt and sly criticism, cutting off the insane affection, gas lighting…and then tonight marked the night that proved to me….with the nasty discard.  I had done nothing wrong.  And all the while I knew what was going on.  The most interesting thing is it was all played out via phone calls and text from 4000kms away.  And despite me knowing I’m still so heartbroken again!

Moral is: Once you know you know!  Don’t play with fire to prove it burns!

Turning the negative into the positive

Turning the negative into the positive

Years ago I started my journey to find out who I am and what I wanted out of my life.  All my life I was told, by mom, who I was ‘supposed’ to be.  So I was.  Now that I have rid those negative hurtful people out of my life, I have found that my positive outlook has changed me from who I was to who I was always meant to be.  Last night my son, whom hasn’t been around me since I’ve changed, called and is struggling in his life.  He is so very negative and I was able to tell him how to turn all this negativity around to the positive.  He had gotten stuck in the rut of life that I was once stuck in.  After we hung up, his negativity had over come me and my anxiety was through the roof.  As I sat to try and figure out what in the world was happening, I realized that I really don’t have negativity in my life and this is why.  Wow!  I figured it out and stopped the process of what was happening.  I’m still a work in progress but I have come so very far at fixing the years of abuse that I endured.  Big day!  About an hour later he sent me a text thanking me for turning his negative attitude around and helping him see that there were options and a way out.  See, all my hard work was for a reason.  One of your posts made me want to share this with you.  If I can help just one person find their way our of the pain, then all my pain was worth it.

Be your own best friend and take control

Be your own best friend and take control

I rarely feel the need to submit reviews on products or websites.  But sometimes something, or someone, helps you so much you just want to share and make sure that they know.  I wasn’t sure how you accepted people’s stories and interactions with narcissism, so I thought I’d send along a short version so you could a) understand how you’ve helped me, and b) feel free to share it with others.

My story starts right around this time last year, when I started a new job.  I met my narc, a new co-worker, immediately, and noticed a little spark between us right away.  Within my first month I noticed him pursuing me – the literal mirage of a prince charming – and shortly after we were dating and inseparable.  I’d never felt so loved, so happy and so in sync with someone in such a short amount of time.  Nothing had ever moved so quickly for me before, so I got wrapped up in what I thought was ‘the real thing’.

Months after we became official, my narc blew me off for our date night.  He’d been married before, and texted me that he was getting cold feet and needed to think.  I was supportive and gave him his space.  I didn’t hear from him for a few days, he avoided me at work, and within a few days, he finally texted me, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”  He acted like a total jerk at work, and within a week later, decided to check himself into outpatient rehab for alcohol abuse, taking a 28-day leave of absence from work (he hid his alcoholism well, as I wasn’t aware of this either).

The day he left, I found out that I was pregnant.  It was the worst news at the worst time that I could ever expect to get.  I had to call him and tell him everything to see where he stood with everything.  I was shocked when he seemed flat on the phone, and said, “Whatever you do is fine with me.”  At the time, I read it as supportive and sweet.  But that’s the most illogical reaction I could ever get from an ex-boyfriend…a friend…a co-worker.  It didn’t make sense, and I realized I had to handle this situation myself.  It was awful.  I weighed everything back and forth, alone as my narc was in treatment, and made a decision to terminate all by myself.  I kept waiting for him to urgently call me, scared that I would go through with this, or even more scared that his becoming a father could become out of his control.  But rather than pick up the phone and call me, he chose to post a selfie of himself on Facebook.  True story.  Still coming out of this traumatic situation, I tried to not think too much of this, though I found the behaviour unsettling.

27 days later, he came back to work.  I hadn’t heard a word from him.  Not ‘How are you?’ ‘What did you decide to do?’  (Can you believe it?  He didn’t even know my decision and didn’t even care to check in.)  No ‘May I help take care of you?’  Nothing.  He came back to work scared and cowardly, and didn’t offer me anything.  I, on the other hand, felt an immense need to share with him what had happened, thinking that he would be dying to get caught up on a situation that might have been our child.  Nothing.  I gave him time and space, walked past him in our own hallways, and he skittered away from me.  One day I finally walked into his office, cautiously, and asked how he was doing.  He looked grateful, and nervous.  I told him we needed to talk, and he agreed.  We set up a time for coffee later that week, and cautiously started to become friendly.  I couldn’t wait for coffee because this situation was traumatic and awful and I felt like I couldn’t handle it alone.

He blew me off.

The next week, I demanded we talk at work, and we did.  He was rude, irritable and couldn’t believe I’d come to him with the issue of my pregnancy.  When I told him things like, “It made me feel awful that you didn’t check in on me. Offer to help, emotionally or financially.” He propped his feet up on his desk, put his hands behind his neck comfortably and told me, “I’m really sorry you feel that way.”

This is the moment that I knew I was not dealing with someone ‘normal’. I didn’t know what narcissism was at the time, but I definitely understood sociopath-ism.

One week later, he started publicly pursuing a different girl in our office.
I cried, I went to therapy, I was angry.  I was sad.  I had the support of close friends and managers, and months and months later, I decided I was a survivor, a lucky lucky woman, not a victim.  Just like me, every girl before me, and every girl after me, he treated that girl like garbage too.   All while he works 100 feet away from me.  Sometimes I go over this story in my head and it doesn’t even sound real to me.  I never encountered a person in my lifetime that was so horrific, but they exist.  The lesson was, and still is, one of the most upsetting things that I would ever experience in my life.

I see my narc five days a week.  In meetings, in the hallway, in the lunch room.  His lustre has since worn off.  Our co-workers knew we dated, but they didn’t know the silent tragedy that happened between us, and I will never let them know.  I’ve slowly regained a normal life again, and can say that one year later, I’m happy again (though I do experience setbacks regularly, I am able to handle them just fine.)  There isn’t a person in my office that wants to talk to him nowadays.  I never even had to badmouth him, he just dug his own grave.

My message that I hope to share to other men, women and survivors by telling this story is that you are better off.  Logically, it’s hard to take in for a lot of people.  If you’re like me, you treat people with respect, worry about hurting feelings and consider the impact that you have on those and the world around you.  So naturally, you expect others to consider this.  My message is that it’s them, and not you.  If you are like me, and someone walks into your life and destroys it, without so much as flinching, be your own best friend, take control and refuse to let them.  You might feel powerless, or like you’re not good enough or that there’s something wrong with you.  Let yourself feel those things so that you get them out of your system.  Start to follow your gut when you’re treated a certain way and you want to give people the benefit of the doubt.  Sometimes, they deserve it.  Other times, like all interactions with Narcissists, do not.  They care about one thing and one thing only: themselves.  This doesn’t reflect on you, and you have to let that sink in.  Once it does, it’s like the clouds part and the sun can come out again.

Remember that the clouds always stay in front of the sunshine with a narc, despite what they want you to think.  And then think of yourself and how far you’ve come, and thank God that they are no longer in your life.  They are probably five victims in behind you, leaving a path of destruction that you couldn’t even imagine directly behind them.

Join me with a sigh of relieve and a sense of gratitude, rather than sadness or emptiness. They are not your problem anymore, and you are free.

Even if one person reads this, I hope it helps as so many people from this site have helped me!

God bless
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart

I would like you to do a ‘Tell The Audience’ just for me.  I’ve been to therapy, seen counsellors, the lot, but I want to say that this page, the posts you share and all the people here who support each other have done more for me and my recovery than any of these professionals ever have.  So thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I’ve finally got my self esteem and life back.  I know I’m not alone.  I’m not crazy.  I’ve learned so much.  This page is saving lives.  You all saved mine. ❤️ Bless you.

Walk away…They never change

Walk away…They never change

Why did I not see no wrong : My story with my now ex began about 10 years ago and only recently ended last year and after explaining my day to day life to a friend he made me aware of narcissism and I started to read up on it and I agree with 99% of everything I’ve read to date! How did I not see it but I considered things to be normal and I thought we had it all! Things began to change after our first child arrived! I basically gave up my social life with any friends through constant pressure and arguing when I went out over the door even for a short time! I got accused of cheating when in reality I couldn’t possibly do so and had no desire to do so! When our first child arrived things were fine for a while, for a few years! We had all we wanted and had a good life together until my now ex started flirting on social media and I thought something didn’t feel right! I confronted her about this and the other person involved! On doing so I was kicked to the kerb and my now ex and the other person started to constantly be in each other’s homes and company! I was totally blanked and cold shouldered for months then all of a sudden I’m getting messages from my now ex stating she was suffering depression and the other person totally off the scene and both of them walking past each other in the street! Me and my now ex worked things out again and when I questioned her on what happened she became confrontational and dismissed my questions so I didn’t get any sort of answer or anywhere! We got back together and again I bent over backwards and did everything for her and would’ve given her my last! She went out with no objection from me at all while I minded our wee girl whereas if I was to say I was going out it would’ve caused uproar so I never did! Things seemed okay for another load of years until just over 2 years ago a week after telling me she was pregnant with our second child she moved into a house and within a week of doing so I heard via my 8 year old child that she had another guy in her bed! I confronted her and it couldn’t be denied nor did she try to do so! As before that relationship lasted no more than a month and we again worked things out for our second child coming along and again when I tried to question what happened and how etc. she became confrontational and my questions swept under the carpet so I got very little answers to anything at all! Every day I did most things while she sat on social media! I took my child to school every day and picked her up! I tidied the house, looked after our wee boy, cooked! You name it, I did it! There was nothing I did not do for her day and daily! My family bent over backward for her and would’ve given her anything with not like myself as much as a thanks! The word sorry never existed! She did not know them words! My life every day was like walking on eggshells with the slightest conversation turning into at times me getting talked down to and her biting my nose off! In the past year from we’ve broke up the really nasty words she’s used are things a normal person would not call people! Every time we fell out the argument could go on for weeks and no matter how I tried to get my point across it wasn’t valid and so dismissed as wrong! I would try to put an end to any fall out quick but she just would keep arguing! From we’ve broke up the lies she says and has made up are unreal! We were together one day to me within weeks being slowly cold shouldered and isolated to the point now we do not have any contact at all! It’s as if I don’t exist nor I ever did! I gave my all and got nothing back in return! I have nothing to show for those 10 wasted years! My now ex constantly on break-ups used my 2 kids against me and constantly stopped me having access till I had no choice to take her through family court and got a good result! Regarding my kids I opened child maintenance cases but she refuses my money and then tells people I don’t provide for my kids! No matter how much help I’ve offered for whatever is refused! My wee girl has a 45 minute walk to and from school in all weather as she refuses my offer to take her to school or bring her home! All done to portray me as a bad person to family and her very small circle of friends of which there’s only two! It was always her way or the highway! 24/7 attention was required and if things didn’t go her way everyone suffered! She has my wee girl scared to wave at her granny if in the street! My wee girl looks at her for approval as she does when she sees me in the street! I would not wish for anyone to ever end up with a person like her! The most evil people anyone can come across or be around! She hasn’t a good word to say about many people and just uses people for her own means and gains! Evil in its worst form and I hope I never fall for it again! I am now trying to piece my life back together and pick up the broken pieces! These monsters are evil in its purest form! No matter what you do for them nothing is appreciated or enough! They just take everything for granted and bleed you dry! Users until you are no longer useful to them then they’ll totally cut you out of their lives with not a second thought and find another victim! My ex has been through a few from we split up but she’s not able to hook them in! My children are caught in between and she doesn’t see the damage she’s doing to them or care how they feel! She’s my wee girl scared to approach my family members or me in the street without first looking at her! These monsters will use children as weapons just to have the power and control over even after break-up as the case with myself has been! They don’t have any empathy or feelings about how others feel! Users of the highest order and they will never change their ways if given the chance! They don’t see what they do as wrong and they always believe they’re right! You’ll be banging your head off a brick wall with them if you try to reason with them and make them see they’re wrong! They’ll exhaust you! Really dangerous, evil people! Walk away! They never change! I hope my story helps a bit in showing how these monsters tick!

They don’t change

They don’t change

I too was in a relationship with a narcissist but mine ended a little differently. We were in a world wind relationship he bought me expensive gifts, took me on trips, he said I was his princess.  I thought I was the luckiest woman around.  After 7 months he convinced me to sell my business, he wanted too take care of me, he didn’t want me to work so we could travel and spend time together…2 months after that we were married.  When we got back from our honeymoon that’s when things changed.

He became controlling –  I couldn’t spend time with my friends or family.  He always started some type of drama with them so they never wanted to come around.

The gifts stopped, the traveling stopped and all of a sudden he had to take trips alone.  He started drinking and wouldn’t come home until the next morning and blame me because I didn’t understand.  This went on for months.  I actually had location service on his phone and knew he was spending the night with other women but he said I was the crazy one.  However, like most women in this situation, he had me in a position where I couldn’t leave.  The house was his before we got married, I had sold my business so had no job, no furniture, no nothing.  So I was trying to plan a way to leave and I was going back to school.  He was furious things and were getting worse than ever.  The fights were getting more physical, it was getting really bad.  Then my mom got sick and was admitted in to hospital.

He was there with me the whole time, like the perfect husband in front of family and friends.  My mom passed away after 2 days in the hospital…that’s when he stopped being nice.  The day after my mom died I told him my ex- husband of 25 years would be attending the service, we have children and grandchildren together.  That’s when he lost it and accused me of having an affair with him.  When I tried to reason with him he took a pistol out of the night stand drawer and shot at me.  Luckily for me, he had been drinking and his aim was off. He missed me by about 6 inches.  He was arrested and charged with first degree attempted murder.  He actually told the cops he was planning on shooting me an hour before but my daughter had come over.  He was out on bond within 24 hours.  We live in a small town and his family had a lot of pull.

I had protective orders against him.  He broke them 3 times but nothing was ever done because of who he was.  The last time he showed up at a family member’s house, he just barged in because he could.  They called me and they were scared.  He wanted me to go talk, he said it was all a misunderstanding and he loved me so much.  He promised it would never happen again.

I told him to please leave that we had called the police.  He left and checked into the hotel about a block from my family’s house and hung himself.  But it’s still not over…his family picked up where he left off blaming me for his death and everything else in his life before I even knew him.  I guess what I’m trying to say is if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, run at the first sign no matter what don’t wait.  I was lucky I guess, maybe my mom was watching over me.  And yes, I’m still going through hell with his family but I’m alive.

They don’t change, in fact it only gets worse with time.  Please leave when you have the chance…

Clarity

Clarity

After I hung my head from losing the war, I began to collect the pieces of the heart that you tore, they lay on the floor in a messy pile, and if I laid them all out it would stretch a mile.

You said you cared, you said you loved, but the closer I got the harder you shoved.  I started to feel like I wasn’t enough, but you would just yell, “stop crying, you gotta be tough.”

You used a tactic known as gas lighting, it came into play anytime we were fighting.  I’d point out what you did to stand up for myself, but you would just shove my feelings to the back of the shelf, you did that by saying, “you’re starting to look crazy, that’ll push me away,’ so then I’d back off because I wanted you to stay.

How I hated when you’d stop me from trying to say, that you hurt my feelings and it wasn’t ok, you’d cut me off instead and ask, “how was your day?”  It made me feel stupid that to you it didn’t matter, so I held it all in as it made me sadder.

I tried to leave once when you said I was worthless, you said I was a waste and continued to be ruthless.  I packed up my things and left that night, my family felt helpless at the devastating sight.

That night I was done when I decided to leave, but you weren’t done yet, you had more tricks up your sleeve.  The very next day you reeled me back in, with your angel like face masking your devilish grin.

You said you were sorry and didn’t mean those things, as if it should help me unhear those words or unfeel their stings.  I chose to believe you and let you back in, I promised myself I wouldn’t let it happen again.  But this was mild compared to what was to come, looking back now, not running was dumb.

The months went by and all seemed ok, till I saw that I was pregnant and I knew you would rage.  I was scared to death about what you would say but I had hoped that maybe you would act your age.  I had hoped that since you loved me that maybe, we could work together and raise our baby.

But then you showed me I was terribly wrong and turned my life into a horrible country song.  You accused me of doing this on purpose to trap you and unleashed your dark side as if right on queue.

You dumped me for being pregnant, you called me every word but my name, then you unleashed the worst part and changed up your game.  You found someone new and with her you wanted to be, but that wasn’t enough, you said she too was having a baby.  No it wasn’t yours but you didn’t care, you did what it took to break me, to you that was fair.

The day I lost the baby was the worst day of my life, as if I hadn’t suffered enough from all of your strife.  You were horrible and said you had no sympathy, to go else where, for you were happy this happened to me.

I was horrified and disgusted by your behaviour and kept telling myself maybe the Lord did me a favour.  I wanted to hate you but I was out of my mind, your anger had faded and you returned to being kind.  In the back of my mind I knew it was a trick, I just didn’t want to believe I loved someone that sick.

But one day I woke up and said I’d had enough and took your advice and learned to be tough.  It was through your lies and abuse and your cold insincerity, that I uncovered the truths and found my clarity.

Poem by Sara Jean Quillen

I hope there’s light at the end of the tunnel

I hope there’s light at the end of the tunnel

I have been in the relationship with Narcissist for 10 years.  We have been separated for 18 months and it’s been a very difficult process as we have two small children together.  I had met him when I was 21, and I was full of life, dreams, independent.  The first year was amazing, he treated me like a princess, he took me on luxury trips, to expensive restaurants, then 11 months later .. real colours started coming out.

I think when a narcissist has money its the next level of control.  He started to change me, and I let him do that to me as I became so dependent on him, financially, emotionally and physically. I wasn’t able to go out anymore at night and catch up with my friends, I lost myself in our relationship; he would call me names, whore, bitch, etc. he asked me to dress differently; he always keeps telling me how lucky I was to have him.

It’s got worse after we had kids, my first childbirth was pretty full on as my boy was 10 pounds and I had been told by my doctor not to have sex for six weeks.  He requested sex after one week and said he would gentle and it’s what good wives do.  I was in so much pain, I remember I had tears.

In our last expansive trip to LA, he said that I was lucky to be there as he could have any girl with him.

My life turned up side down when my dad committed suicide in February 2014, and I was blown away by a lack of support, care, and love.  I guess when you’re 21, you don’t really know what is right and what is wrong, but all the signs were there, as his first wife ran away from the  country with his two kids, but of course it was all her fault and she was monster and they should have never got married in the first place.

I have been on a healing journey the last few years, and I am still on one.  Not many people understand why I can’t just forgive, let it go and send him pink light and love…  I am struggling with that, I can’t just forgive him as he is still playing controlling games with me, but I am much stronger then I was before.  I just hope I will meet someone nice one day as I am 33 but I am finding hard to trust any man now.

I hope I will be able to help someone one day!  Thank you for your website and all the encouragement.  I hope there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

Protect yourself by not becoming bitter

Protect yourself by not becoming bitter

I am going through a bitter court battle right now as self represented.  My new spouse is keeping my file for me.  She is such a blessing to me, the best example of a perfect wife a man could ever have.

Forcing someone to be your friend, lover, girlfriend, spouse etc. through emotional attachment, anger, sadness, playing the victim, false accusations, lies etc. is a very dangerous position to be in for the real victim.  Although fooling friends, family and acquaintances may work for some people and you may initially get away with it, eventually at least some people will get wise to it.  Although I don’t personally recommend this, some people spend their whole life savings on fighting against this injustice.  I think the best way is to try to get along, protect yourself against this type of domestic abuse/violence (narcissistic behaviour) by not becoming bitter.  Understanding that the man or woman or spouse who is putting you through this is sick and needs therapy.  Spend as little as possible, love your kids as much as possible and jump off the court battles and fights as soon as you can.  Pray, be happy, keep your faith, be strong, don’t take anything personal, and make wise decisions.  When you don’t react the way a narcissist predicts or wants, they lose the battle.  This way, you always win because you have your peace intact, money in the bank, a loving, affectionate relationship with your kids and a healthy family environment for your kids before, during and when the court process is over.

Poor poor you…you are killing yourself

Poor poor you…you are killing yourself

We once loved each other…  Maybe, in a way, we still do.  Now our love is different… It’s no longer pure and easy.  Maybe I’m lying to myself and we don’t love each other at all anymore. Maybe we just tolerate each other…  Because of memories…  Because you need me… Because it’s what we are supposed to do.  We once knew each other.  I could tell by the look on your face what you were thinking…  If you were mad or happy or sad.  I once knew everything about you…  What you stood for and what you believed in…  But that was a long time ago.  Now you are a stranger with a familiar face.  A family once happy, is now in torment.  You used to help others…  Now you only think of yourself.  You lie and manipulate.  You’re so good at that.  Nothing is ever your fault.  You are self centred.  Poor you…  Poor poor pitiful you! You are ‘sick,’ the Doctor wouldn’t give you pills if you weren’t.  Pills for pain…  Pills for sleep…  Pills to wake up…  Pills for nightmares…  Pills for anxiety…  Stronger pills!!  For the pain of course… You’re sick… You need them.  The Doctor says so!  Some how every month you are broke.  Any excuse will do.  Lie to me!  I expect it!  You ran out of pills?  Oh no!  We will take care of you!  You didn’t buy food?  Oh no!  Here take mine!  You didn’t pay your bills??  It’s not your fault…  Let me pay it.  On and on…  This is life now.  You  don’t call to laugh and chat anymore.  Sometimes I forget.  But you quickly remind me when I do.  Who are you?  Why have you changed?  I miss you!!  Lie to me!  Tell me you’ll get better!  I’m angry!!  So damn angry!  Yet I’m not supposed to be…  You don’t turn your back on family!! Let’s not take any attention off of you!  I’m not supposed to be angry with you…  You are sick! You can’t help it!  You aren’t an addict!  How disrespectful of me to say otherwise!  You are sick…  Poor poor you!  You are killing yourself…  Slowly…  Closer each day…  But in a way… You died a long time ago.  I’m not supposed to talk about it…  Everything’s fine…  You are fine…  Smile!  Don’t tell our secrets…  Don’t get angry…  Don’t turn your back on family! That’s wrong!  Love the addict!  Right?  Am I handling this right??  Don’t talk about your problem.  I don’t want to make you angry.  You need more pills when you are angry.  There, there, you don’t have a problem.  You are sick… The Doctor says so.  Here take my money… **smile** “I love you!”