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Everything in our relationship centred around him

Everything in our relationship centred around him

My ex and I dated for 18 months. And although that is just a short amount of time, we were in a crazy, whirlwind romance that started quickly and moved fast. The red flags were there from the beginning, after only a week of dating I found nude photos on his phone from a woman he claimed was ‘just a friend’. In addition to the nude photos, he constantly told her how much he loved her. All of this while she was married with two kids. That was the first red flag. When confronted with this information he stormed out of my house, he left. He came back to talk to me about it and I fell for his lines immediately. Narcissists are charming and use their words wisely. After that the hits just kept on coming. One night while driving home from dinner, about 1 month into our relationship, he asked me if I would say yes if he asked me to marry him right now. I said no, that we had only been dating for a month. He turned into a man I had never seen before, he told me that it was over, that if I couldn’t say yes to him right then that we had no business being together because he was looking for someone who didn’t question anything. I should have known right there and ran for the hills.

This is how things continued for us for a while. He would have too much to drink at a fourth of July party and leave our house saying “this isn’t working, I’m going to get a hotel room, I can’t do this.” I never knew what set him off or why he stormed out, but one thing he always did was come back. And one thing I always did was let him. He left about three or four more times after that, always coming back the next day. This was usually fuelled by alcohol. Along with this I dealt with him always texting or Facebook messaging other women. He was a heavy flirt, constantly pouring attention on to any woman that would give it back to him. He always told them inappropriate things like “if I was your boyfriend I’d never let you go to bed alone.” He always told me I was overreacting or didn’t know what I was talking about when I would finally get nosey enough and look through his phone. He was very protective over his phone, changing the password, not letting me use his phone if I forgot mine, etc.

Everything in our relationship cantered around him, we did what he wanted to do, he did what he wanted to do, and he very rarely joined in on family activities or anything that involved my family at all. Getting him to take a trip to see my sister was like pulling teeth, and it being brought up usually resulted in an argument. He worked from early morning to evening, I’d cook dinner, he would eat dinner and usually fall asleep on the couch. Very rarely did he help with cooking or cleaning or anything that involved our house. I would pay all the bills with my check and then have to ask him for money to pitch in, which would also usually result in a fight. He would throw some money at the problem but he never even knew how much the rent was or how much the water bill was. I pulled more than my fair share of the weight, it was always me putting in all the effort and him putting in none. And anytime I tried to bring any of this up it resulted in a fight and him storming out to go get drunk and returning home at 2 a.m. with “I’m so sorry,” and “I love you so much.” I walked on eggshells a lot of the time because I hated the fights. He always made me feel like I was the one doing something wrong.

He was also very inappropriate with his ex-girlfriend. He told me from the beginning that he was friends with his ex, and I thought that that was very mature and respectable. Little did I know that he was actually very much obsessed with his ex, they told each other they loved each other still, and they were in constant contact. He would delete messages or texts so that I didn’t see them, make up reasons to see or call her like he needed to order more Advocare from her or that he was going out to the bar that she works at with his buddies after a day of working on the ranch. The first time we broke up was because of her, and his actions with a few other women. I moved out of our house and into my own, and within 5 days he had another woman staying with him. Again he claimed they were just friends and he was helping her move. We ended up getting back together and after this. He swore he loved me and things were different this time, he knew the mistakes he made and he promised to fix them. He said he would distance himself from his ex-girlfriend, but always told me that she was a big part of his life and that they would always be friends. I of course fell for every word, and for a while he was different.

Things were good for a bit. Really good. It got me thinking that he had changed, that it was different this time. But the monster emerged once again after a few months. He started talking to other woman again, he never put any distance between him and his ex, and he started acting strange towards me. Distant, not texting or calling as much, not very interested or talkative at all. At this point in our relationship he had started working in North Dakota, which was 5 hours away from home. He was gone for at least 10 days at a time and home for a week. We made this decision so that we could start saving money and pay off some bills. Shortly after going back to North Dakota, I could tell something had shifted in him. He came home for Thanksgiving, spent the entire night talking to other women on his phone, and when I confronted him he stormed out. The next day he returned to his job and told me that he was ending our relationship. This was November of 2016. We ended our relationship on December 5th of that year.

Since that point, up until very recently, things escalated to a very out of control point with him. After breaking up with me I heard everything under the sun – from “I’m scared of commitment,” to “I’m not sure if this is what I want out of life,” to “I want to beg for your forgiveness and beg for another chance, but I’m not going to,” and “I still love you and want you back.” Of course, every time I tried to talk to him about the things he said he would tell me I blew everything out of proportion or took something out of context. It was always my fault for misinterpreting everything. He took full responsibility for why our relationship didn’t work out, saying nothing was my fault, it was all his, but he uses that to make himself look better for his female friends. He says it’s all his fault, but then he doesn’t want to talk further about it with anyone or discuss any specifics. He kept me hanging on with texts and calls like this until he started seeing someone else two months after we broke up. He then proceeded to tell me that he is going to treat her right and not make any of the same mistakes with her as he made with me. He said he knows exactly what to do now, and he learned that from our relationship. It was like taking a bullet. We fought and fought through text message and over the phone, I’d tell him that he was just going to hurt her too, and he told me “no I’m not, I really like her, I’m going to be good.” Finally I had had enough, I blocked his number for the first time after that. Four days later he and that woman broke up, and I got a knock at my door. It was him, of course. He told me that the last woman was just a mistake and that they are just friends who decided they were going to date one night after a drunk night at the bar. He said they were just good friends. He told me that he still had really strong feelings for me that would just not go away, and he wondered if there was ever a possibility of us working things out in the future after we build a foundation of civility and friendship. We discussed this idea for a while, but when I told him that we needed to compromise and find some common ground, that this couldn’t be all his way or the highway, he told me it wouldn’t work and that we just needed to go our separate ways. Then we would talk about it some more, and I would tell him that if we were going to do this it was with the goal of fixing what was broken between us and that he needed to not be talking to other woman romantically while we worked on things. Of course he didn’t like this idea at all, he wanted to keep me around as a friend while he figured out what he wants, and I told him that was not going to happen. I just recently found out that he is still staying with the woman he dated for four days, of course he claims they are just friends and that she lets him stay at her apartment when he isn’t at work. I feel bad for this woman because I know exactly what she is getting into, I know that he is just using her for a place to stay, and that this cycle of abuse will continue with him with every woman that he meets. He told me that he was unhealthy with me, but he is capable of being healthy in another relationship with another woman.

Two nights ago he showed up at my house at 2 a.m., drunk, after calling me 14 times. He said he wanted to talk about us. We talked until 5 in the morning, but it was like a broken record with me saying the same things and him repeating his idea that he wants “friendship and civility” from me. He proceeded to tell me he loved me, then told me the next day that he meant he “has love for me” not that he is “in love with me.” Of course our conversation got nowhere, and after he tried to get me to sleep with him I told him he had to leave. He got mad and threw something, then told me he was going to stay at the other woman’s house for the rest of the week. The next day he told me that she is his girlfriend. He admitted that keeping me hanging on was wrong, that this was unhealthy and that we needed to just go our separate ways. I told him that I agree, confronted him with the fact that I think he is narcissistic, emotionally abusive, a pathological liar, and his drinking escalates that and makes him out of control. He of course denies it all, and says that it was me who made him unhealthy.

This morning I told him that if he shows up at my house and 2 a.m. again that I would be calling the police, and I blocked his number. Being in love with somebody like this is the most exhausting, challenging, cruel things I have ever experienced in my life. I am drained, I am nervous all the time, I am almost an empty shell of the person that I was before I met him. He spun every situation into something different, told me I took things out on context or didn’t know what I was talking about, he made me crazy. And I acted crazy too. This situation is crazy making.  He lies, he manipulates, he uses. And he has already moved on to someone else. I know this process for me will be long and tedious, but I know that I need to keep the no contact going. I also know that this is probably no the last time I hear from him and am trying to prepare myself mentally and emotionally to be tough enough to not fall back into this trap. It’s a long, very painful, very emotional process.
Why does a warm, loving person end up a shattered tortured soul?

Why does a warm, loving person end up a shattered tortured soul?

Have you ever sat alone and wondered “where are they?” The people like yourself, a community that shares your thoughts, your beliefs your love and honesty?

It seems you spend most of your life trying to understand the past with the expectation that an insight into who you are and how you respond to this world it will follow.

Why does an attractive, intelligent, warm, loving, giving person end up a shattered tortured soul afraid of so many things?

Would you not expect that this soul should have peace, love and support?

No it seems.

This is the story of a woman who’s only ‘failing’ was to be too understanding, too loving, too giving to the point of virtually giving away her soul to try and help another.

A woman who has seen, felt, endured, tolerated and nearly crumbled under the weight of abuse on all levels, physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual.

A very young woman who’s fear is how that she will not live for very long because of the final betrayal of her body which through so tremendous emotional torture has become a self-manifesting time bomb.  She has developed a potentially life threatening condition which to exacerbate the situation can receive no conclusive help.

The medical profession shuns her, as they do not want to take responsibility for their errors, rather than throw a buoy to a very frustrated, emotionally damaged yet absolutely rational human being.  They choose to compound her weakened state: –   Why is it when you’re down all the crud comes knocking on your door?

Personally I believe everything we are given we can handle and many a life lessons contained within.  However that’s easy to say when you’ve reach the other side of hell.  It’s the parallel universe it seems.

How powerful our minds are with equal ability to create or destroy!

I see her sitting alone on her balcony long into the early morning hours as sleep is elusive at best.  Those hours are spent creating pieces of amazing beauty and skill.  They surround her, considered her support, her friends and confidents.  Which have now deserted her.  Whilst yes they obviously we’re not genuine friends or persons of strength to hold a hand of a survivor of abuse.

That label makes people feel dirty, afraid and uncomfortable.  If none the less, it yet again reaffirms the emphasis of their world into this hurt and confused sail.

As she sits there night after night asking the stars in the sky, “where are you”?  I’d like her to know we are here, when you are ready.
She fought until the last moment of her life

She fought until the last moment of her life

Ammi Maa Mom. All my life, I witnessed my mother endure so much pain and I tried my best to push her to stand up for herself. But the love she had for my father made her strong and weak at the same time. The pain and suffering she endured did not matter to her. She took it all. I am the oldest in my family and I saw things that none of my siblings ever saw or could comprehend at such a young age. She married my father at the age of sixteen and that day she stopped living for herself. She spent every inch of herself on her husband and in-laws without hesitating. Very well knowing that those people will never appreciate her care. Every effort she made for them was in vain. She was abused in ways most women cannot survive. But she did. Being married so young, all she knew was love and that’s all she gave them. And in return, all she got was abuse. They used her in ways that would appal a human mind. But sadly, it is considered ‘normal’ to treat a wife and daughter-in-law in such behaviour and conduct in third world countries. She was kind and honest. She was brave and humble. Such qualities are to be treasured but instead her husband and his family mistreated her. She gave birth to eight children and she raised them alone with no help from anyone. Nobody cared for her as she cared for her children. Where she got all that endless love and care from, I as a mother can see now. She was deprived of many things and she fought everyone so her children won’t be. She wanted to study but she could not afford it. She fought for her kids to be educated. She wanted them to have a better life and choices so they wouldn’t have to struggle like she did. In my 37 years of life, I have never seen a woman that strong. A woman who would take a beating so her children can sleep without wounds. A woman who never once showed her scars to anybody. A woman who fought for her children until her last breath. A woman who never complained. If you ever met her, you wouldn’t be able to tell that she was a victim. The kind of person she was, she dug a well inside of herself and poured all of her pain and misery in it. Mom always said God knows best and God will take care of it. If I ever start writing a book about her, it will be in volumes. Her greatness was unspeakable. Her fight was unheard of. She was incredibly talented. You name a skill, and she knew it. Nobody taught her anything, she was self-taught. She cooked the most delicious food. People made excuses to come over so they can enjoy her food. She sewed beautiful frocks for us. She raised 6 daughters with so much care and love. She dressed us so gracefully. Every event she went; people would complement her elegance. She loved to learn new things. She loved to read. She could read one digest (Urdu novels) after digest and never get bored. She was the type of person who would get along with anyone. Everyone who ever met her always loved her company. She taught us many things. She taught us sabar (patience). With the abuse she went through every day, yet she was so loving and forgiving. I have never seen a woman go through what she went through and it taught me a lot. Now that she is gone, I can’t help but speak up. Abuse is a sickness; it has no cure. Some people are stuck, believing that they cannot get out of the abusive loop. They need help. Please help yourself and your loved ones if you experience any kind of abuse. My mother loved him more than she loved anyone and to stand up to him, she could not do it alone. And when she finally could, her health gave up on her. She still fought until the very last moment of her life. For me, she is my superwoman. Mother, I will always be proud of you for raising us with every inch of your being. I will always be proud of your willingness to fight through any struggle in life. Thank you mother. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for showing me what a loving mother can do. Thank you for inspiring me to be a strong willed woman in this world. Thank you for being my mother. I have loved you since I gained conscious of myself and I will love you till the last of my own days.
My Story… 

My Story… 

Four weeks into my healing process after breaking up with what was supposed to be the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with…
But that is a fairy tale really…
As soon as four months into the relationship I have been dealing with numerous red flags.
One year later I ran away afraid of being hit.
Another four months later after another attempt…  I broke all bonds for my own well-being.
Social Media, phone, WhatsApp…  All lines of contact have been blocked.
And the thing that really makes me angry, I am a trained health professional, knowledgeable about disorders, aware of red flags…and I let it happen.
Because that is what you do when you love someone.
Sometimes they do little things you don’t like…and you forgive them.
They love you and it won’t happen again…  Right?
Wrong…
Unfortunately in real life a narcissistic character is not able to love, not able to show empathy, not able to comprehend the basics of how to treat people respectfully.
What makes a narc tick is how you make him/her feel better by your actions.
Unconditional love is something alien for a narc…no surprise I never got an ‘I love you’ over two years.
Intimacy is a way of payment, if you behave ‘good’ (read: as long you make them feel good) they will shower you with warmth.
If your actions do not follow up to their standards they give you the silent treatment as way of punishment, you are expected to crawl back…
And apologize…
Because understandably the victim is the cause of every conflict in the relationship…not the narcissist.
On a regular basis, I have been belittled, called out names, my intelligence and beauty trampled on and never got one apology.
Same goes for others.
Narc’s often have a long line of past relationships…all failed due to lack of competence from the other.
With everything that does not happen the way the narc wants, there is someone else at fault.
Does not get a promotion…surely his boss has not seen how amazing he is and made an error.
Does not perform on professional tests for certification…surely the examiner set him up to fail.
And so on…the narcissist is always the victim in every situation.
It even goes so far that if you talk or want to start a serious conversation…you are at fault for giving them a headache.
You can see how that kind of life style is detrimental for a good relationship.  Living with a narcissist is living in an actual rollercoaster soap opera.
Aside to that I was slowly slipping in social isolation.
He checked my every movement, no phone call or text was to be answered late without drama.
Personal free time or spending time with friends was an insult to him.
After a night out with friends he actually made an ad on a dating site seeking female friends because his girlfriend prefers spending time with others…
Not even mentioned the extensive need of validation narcissists seek in the other gender.
My narc was a pathological liar when it came to other women.
He had steady contact with about four women behind my back, when confronted he lashes out in a huge verbally abusive temper, what nerve I got meddling with affairs that did not concern me.
No surprise that when given an ultimatum, me or others…he chose the frivolous life he is so attached to.
And for the good
After all, I was expected to invest in his dream house (financially), his dream job (dreams of being self-employed) and his dream life.
He had no means for that, can barely hold a job and has barely worked in two years.
And I was not to expect anything in return…gold digger is what comes to mind.
Even knowing I have been emotionally and verbally abused the last sixteen months.
It does not stop the hurt or pain, your love never really answered…it leaves its damage.
One should think that the knowledge of being abused creates a faster healing process…faster forgetting.
I wish that were true…that is the emotional hold the narc has over people.
Today I found a note, a note I wrote six months ago.
Points I tried to talk about with him the last time I agreed to give it another go…what was I thinking trying to reason with him?
Seeing it back I am overwhelmed with the feeling: nothing new here, look at what you wrote down so long ago…get over it, stop thinking about how much you loved him.
Today writing about…helps me one step further into the healing process.
And one day, when the tears have dried up…I will be stronger.
Your site is a welcome source for people dealing with this, keep up the good work.
You will make a better life

You will make a better life

I just wanted to share. I just wrote this to myself.  Tomorrow I will leave this abusive relationship I’ve been in for just over a year. I have an 8 year old and a baby on the way. And I can’t take it anymore. We will all be better off. I wrote this because I know how he works and I know he will try to get me back like the last three times I’ve left.  I love this page so much and just wanted to share.
Whenever you feel like you miss him read this. Don’t forget the way you feel right now. Sad, upset and disgusted. Sad because you found your better half, knew he had issues but loved him anyway. Upset because of all the times he’s gotten drunk and called you nasty names.  When he looks at you with evil eyes.  When he told you he wished you’d lose your baby with a smirk on his face.  When he tells everyone around you how you’re the problem when yeah maybe you yelled, maybe you said things to poke him back but how long did you take it? How long did he put you down and make you feel worthless before you spoke up because you were so tired of fighting that endless battle. No one sees that, no one hears it. Disgusted because even when he isn’t drinking he’s still impossible. Loves you to death one minute.  But if he doesn’t have his way or you say or do something ‘wrong’ then bam! His mouth starts running that same old story. That manipulative way he has that you’ve learned so well and know it’s useless to try and talk to him.  Everything’s your fault right?  So you shut down. Then he gets mad and you know it’s because you won’t fight back and cause more drama for him to feed on.  All the things he has said to you and done to you that no one knows about…replay that in your head, now. You deserve to be treated so much better. You don’t miss him, you miss what you wish he was, what he seemed to be on ‘good’ days. That’s no way to live, walking on eggshells to keep him happy. No More.  Don’t let him manipulate you into thinking he is sorry or that he will change. He won’t. You’ll be fine. You are strong and you will make a better life without the emotional and mental abuse he dishes out. Be happy. Raise your kids and in time find real love.
A Beginner’s Guide to Being Friends with a Narcissist

A Beginner’s Guide to Being Friends with a Narcissist

 At some point in your life you may become befriended by a narcissist.  This is particularly likely if you are an empathetic, kind and generous soul who tends to see the good in people.  It is also more likely if you have not had that particular ‘pleasure’ (in the loosest sense of the word) before as your friendly and open personality won’t recognise the red flags waving at you ominously in the beginning.  You see you haven’t met your best friend ever after only a few weeks and the fact you seem to share so much in common is not fortuitous coincidence.  You’re being love bombed.  The word to focus on here is bomb not love because that is totally faked.  Bombs aren’t cool.  They hurt people and cause damage.

As the relationship flounders, and it will, it becomes obvious that there has been an unspoken code of conduct throughout the ‘friendship’ that you have unwittingly signed up to.  To help others short circuit from initial meeting to running as fast as possible in the opposite direction, here are some of the rules to spot.

  1. Even if you are as right as it is humanely possible to be, if you disagree with the narcissist then you are wrong.  Always.
  2. You must arrive on time for any meeting.  Lateness and cancellation, particularly last minute,   is only permitted by the narcissist and must never be questioned.
  3. Phone calls must always be answered at whatever time of day and night but ONLY and this is key information, if it is the narcissist calling you.
  4. All other friends of yours are not important now.  Remember that.  Same goes for family members.  Your time and focus must only be on one person and you can guess who that might be!!
  5. Your memory is unreliable.  Your recollections of events are wrong.  Your faulty memories will be corrected to the facts though so don’t worry.  But you will, as the facts don’t match up at all to what you remember.  And you do, clearly.
  6. You must accept that your reactions are both oversensitive and insensitive.  Always.
  7. Any discussion you wish to have about the narcissist’s inconsiderate behaviour towards you is unreasonable and unnecessary.  Discussions will be blocked or terminated.  You might be mocked for trying to have a discussion.  Accept this.  Get over it and move on should become your mantra.  It’s the only way forward.
  8. You need to make changes in your behaviour (despite never having been told this by any friend before.  They were just too polite to tell you your many character flaws obviously but luckily your new friend is more direct and honest.  Lucky you.
  9. All advice from your ‘friend’ is to support you in becoming a better person and if it sounds harsh or cruel then it is only an attempt to help you and you should appreciate that.  Always.
  10. Only one person can make and break the rules and it sure as hell ain’t you.
Adherence to the code will ensure a period of time where you can enjoy your relationship with the narcissist with relative success before the inevitable discard that is all your fault for being a horrible person.  At this point, you will feel totally confused, hurt and used.  You will turn to the internet, spend every minute of your free time researching narcissism and become an amateur world expert in narcissistic abuse survival.  You will begin to see how duped you were by this frenemy and feel more hurt and upset.  You will refrain from sharing your new found knowledge with many others though as you realise that if they haven’t been through a similar experience, they will see you as becoming a bit unhinged and obsessive.  But hang on in there because after an unspecified time, you will feel lighter, happier and freer than you have felt for some time.  You will see how sad and pathetic the former friend really is.  You will have no inclination to ‘refriend’ them and most importantly, you will be so much stronger and ready to avoid ever falling into this kind of relationship again.
I attempted to reason with the unreasonable

I attempted to reason with the unreasonable

I made the huge mistake of breaking the no contact rule I had in place.  My narc ex husband of over 8 years recently started being nice and communicating about our children.  I knew it was a matter of time.  I even warned our kids not to get their hopes up, my almost 19 year old was leery, but my 13 almost 14 year old was hopeful.  Well it only took a week, but here I am kicking myself and feeling so stupid.  I let him get to me, I let him bring up the past, mock me, criticize me as a mother, indirectly call me a deadbeat (I am now paying him child support) and he got in my head…again.  I had worked so hard to keep him out.  I thought I could keep the boundaries this time…ha!!  What was I thinking?  He will never stop being hateful and evil and mean.  My poor kids are suffering his mental/verbal abuse and I’m worried about my son.  He convinced him at 12 to live with him…he told him I lied in court and took our kids from him, so I owed him.  My poor son was manipulated into living with him full time and I only have visits.  Now I’m concerned for my son’s mental health.  My daughter lived there for 1 year when she was 17 1/2 and she called that year hell.  I have so much guilt for bringing these beautiful amazing children into hell.  I have once again told my ex no contact.  I am still trying to block the things he said to me and trying to forgive myself for attempting to reason with the unreasonable.  I knew better.
I wish you people would understand

I wish you people would understand

I don’t expect sympathy for what I’m about to say.  I’m a narcissist.  I know I’m not a nice person.  I don’t want to be the way I am but I can’t change.  I’ve tried but nothing ever lasts.  Relationships don’t last.  People leave.  Everyone that ever knew me has left me.  I don’t want to be on my own.  I have never admitted to anyone who I am. Life sucks being like this but it’s the way we are.  I wish you people would understand that some of us don’t want to be this way.  I know why people leave me because of the way I am.  I want them to stay but they’ll never know that.  I can’t let people know that it is going to hurt when they go.  That would be like admitting I need them, showing my vulnerability which only I know about.  Can’t let anyone see the soft side but it’s there, always hidden, only visible to me.  Yea, what a great person I am!

I will heal from this

I will heal from this

I am on day 20 of zero contact with my ex Narc.  Currently getting love bombed and have been warned that if I contact he will make sure it is finished on his terms next time…to punish me.

My mind doesn’t stop with how I would respond…if I was going to respond.  So just want to share something that may be helpful for those in the same situation…

I write the texts into ‘notes’ on my phone… so at least I can express how I’m feeling and get it out of my mind.  I will never send them because I already know how he will react and attack.  The quickest way through this quagmire of pain is zero contact…but I think it’s important to express.

When I read through my notes of unsent responses, I can clearly see the depth of pain I’m in…but also as the days go on I can see that I will heal from this and the tsunamis of emotions from intense love to hate and anger are very real.

Hope this helps someone.  Grateful for the support on this page. ❤️

Some do see through the lies

Some do see through the lies

I want to put this out there for spouses going to court with a narcissist.

I went in wary because I heard how the judge buys their bullsh*t. Well not in my case.  I answered my questions honestly.  He got up there and he didn’t answer anything directly.  It was, to the best of my knowledge, and if that’s what it says there.

After a while the judge rolled his eyes.  Later my attorney asked him about dividends he cashed out.  He got $90,000 and he won’t pay $5 for his daughter’s medicine.

Anyway he does this so it looks like now he makes less money.  My attorney says, ‘So you put it in other investments to make more money?’  Indignant he answers, ‘No!’  Attorney chucked and asks, ‘So you invested so you’d make less money?!’  Well no…

Made a complete ass out of him.  Hahaha. So some people do see through all the evasion and lies.  He’s such a d***.