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I am now a shadow of my former self

I am now a shadow of my former self

I would like some tips please:

How do I rebuild my strength and stop getting sucked in by the lies (always promising to change but never does) while living with my narcissistic husband so that I can leave him? I want to emotionally detach from him without making it obvious.

I’ve been married to a man for 15 years who has many narcissistic traits. Both my parents are malignant narcissists and he’s an improvement on them. I guess I kept telling myself at least he’s not cruel like them.

He’s not violent or aggressive but he has no empathy, is completely self centred, demands constant praise and attention, never admits wrongdoing or accepts responsibility, engages in constant ego stroking and expects me to pander to his every whim, neglects me when I’m sick and drains me dry.

We have a teenage child, who is expected to pander to him and is also neglected by him.

He goes to counselling to humour me but plays the victim, has a humble façade and always manages to convince them I’m too demanding etc. He has improved since we got married but it’s been excruciatingly slow. He resents me wanting him to grow and says that nothing he does for me is ever good enough and that’s because he does nothing for me. If he does something for me like buy flowers once a year he expects me to thank him a million times; it’s exhausting. I feel like I give him everything, our life revolves around his wants and I have to be grateful for crumbs.

I want to leave him but need to get my financial affairs secured first. I have absolutely no one I feel safe sharing this with and no support. Everyone who knows us thinks I’m so lucky to have him. My health is very poor, I have major depressive disorder and Complex PTSD.  I need to get stronger so I can work but can’t seem to get better despite counselling.

I used to be a wealthy and successful professional but am now a shadow of my former self. I’ve contemplated suicide countless times but don’t want my child to be stuck with him.
How do I overcome the fear even though I have moved on?

How do I overcome the fear even though I have moved on?

So, my ex-husband was an abusive narcissist who is still trying to do everything he can to make my life miserable. I have placement of the child we share, but he so far has kept the stepchild I have helped raise from a baby from me. His only reason for this is to hurt me. I still have a protective order against my ex because of the abuse. Recently, he tried to have the protective order thrown out saying it wasn’t valid in the first place, he has always fought it because it costs him money for me to keep it. Even with the offer to pay for his gas, that still wasn’t good enough for him, but it was for the judge. Since then he has retaliated any way he can to make my life miserable! I won and I stood my ground so now he is angry beyond belief. All of this aside, I have managed to move on though it has taken me quite a bit of time and lots of failed attempts. After a recent disaster that left my home nearly unliveable, I invited my boyfriend to move in. Now mind you, my boyfriend and I have known each other nearly 10 years, just haven’t always kept in the best of touch. Now comes the big part of my problem. I spoke with my attorney who has demanded I kick my boyfriend out when he now has nowhere else to live or risk losing my daughter to my ex if he decides to try to fight about it again. My attorney’s reason for this is my boyfriend has a record, and a bit of a lengthy one at that. This is a big part of why we didn’t keep in the best of touch over the years. He was addicted to drugs and alcohol, but had a couple rude awakenings this past year and has tried to get his life back on track. I couldn’t do things without him right now, there is just too much for any one person to handle. I can’t imagine my life without my boyfriend, or my child. Now, my child has been through a lot and has to see several professionals. One of my child’s workers knows every horrible detail of my boyfriend’s past, and even though she is basically the equivalent to a state worker although I asked for their service to help my child. This worker has heard about every detail, and even seen pictures of some of the negatives in my boyfriend’s past, yet was completely okay with him moving in. As a matter of fact, this worker has commented time and again on how much happier both my child and I are and how amazing it is to see the difference in both us and the house since he moved in. This worker has also remarked on how amazed they are by the role my boyfriend has taken with my child, and how much more supportive he seems in every way for my child as opposed to my ex who won’t cooperate with any of our child’s services. Yes, my boyfriend has a dark past, but after everything I was out through by my ex and his family there is no way I would let someone into our home if I thought they would hurt either of us. I made my boyfriend promise he wouldn’t leave. He overheard what my attorney said and was trying to gather his things before I was even off of the phone. He didn’t want me to feel like I had to choose between him or my child so he wanted to take that burden from me and just leave. I have decided I’m not going to listen to my attorney. I am terrified of if I am making a mistake asking for another fight, but I refuse to let my ex keep running my life. My panic attacks have gotten so bad though since I decided this. I am terrified my ex is going to pick a fight over this and that my child will ultimately be the one to suffer like always at the hands of my ex’s anger. I need some advice… How do I stop being afraid of every single situation? How do I stop letting my ex scare me into doing what he wants? My boyfriend is beyond supportive on this, but sometimes he just doesn’t understand my fear, which since he moved in has been almost none until now. I just want to be happy again and fear free. Anyone have advice on how to get these panic attacks under control?
I know he will reap his venom to me

I know he will reap his venom to me

I have just exposed a narcissist after finally being able to see the light on what he was going. I have exposed him to his ‘girlfriend’ who he moved in for the last 15 months whilst he was still with me. I never knew about her as I work in a different country. I had been with him 6 years. I have exposed him to family member and friends. I know he will reap his venom to me but wandered how they generally do it: he has of course Called me crazy and I’m a stalker.

How do I get rid of the hate?

How do I get rid of the hate?

How do you get rid of the hate?  I’ve never been a hater but now my heart is full of hate after a relationship with a narc.  I want him to suffer for what he did to me.  All I did was love him.  I don’t want to feel like this.  Please help.
I am unable to break free

I am unable to break free

I know that I’m wrong for this, but I’m married and having an affair with a person that I strongly believe may be narcissistic.  I was in a bad place in the marriage, met this person, got involved and fell in love.  Now, I am unable to break free of them and they are doing everything they can to keep me tied to this unhealthy relationship.  I know it is and I keep trying to break free, but feel sick the moment I try to walk away.  I love him.  I’ve learned to stop telling him things about the marriage because he uses them to control me and threaten to expose me.  Now, I’m so terrified that if I get the strength to walk away, he will expose the entire affair and this could affect not only my family, but my kids, my job, my church community.  He has even threatened to come to my church and expose me to the members.  I want out, but don’t know how.  I’ve gone no contact for a few months once before.  He continued to call, text, inbox, etc.  He sleeps with women and I suspect men as well.
I can’t let my mental health suffer any more

I can’t let my mental health suffer any more

I have a narcissistic mother. Always been that way since I was 15. Criticises, put downs, pulls me down to my sons etc. She is on her own. I am trying to pull away from her now the boys are older but I do love her still as she is my mother but I can’t let my own mental health suffer anymore . Many thanks x
How do I reteach myself?

How do I reteach myself?

I lived with my narcissistic husband for six years. I am in the process of a divorce but unfortunately he has done quite a bit of damage to my psyche. Every moment of every day with him, I walked on eggshells, not sure what would set him off or make him attack someone or threaten or yell at me or our kids. I tried to control every situation to make it as smooth as possible so nothing set him off (and as I now understand, that is impossible to do). Anyway, my kids and I are away from him, staying with friends, with protection in place, but I can’t shake the feeling that I have to control every situation to make it ok. I still feel like I must walk on eggshells with everyone (even people who are completely loving and accepting) to ensure nothing goes wrong. It’s an exhausting, stressful feeling and I can’t shake it or stop myself from doing it. How do I stop? I know it’s in my head-a learned behaviour. How do I reteach myself that I don’t have to be on edge 24 hours a day, 7days a week??  Please help. I’m exhausted.
Everything in our relationship centred around him

Everything in our relationship centred around him

My ex and I dated for 18 months. And although that is just a short amount of time, we were in a crazy, whirlwind romance that started quickly and moved fast. The red flags were there from the beginning, after only a week of dating I found nude photos on his phone from a woman he claimed was ‘just a friend’. In addition to the nude photos, he constantly told her how much he loved her. All of this while she was married with two kids. That was the first red flag. When confronted with this information he stormed out of my house, he left. He came back to talk to me about it and I fell for his lines immediately. Narcissists are charming and use their words wisely. After that the hits just kept on coming. One night while driving home from dinner, about 1 month into our relationship, he asked me if I would say yes if he asked me to marry him right now. I said no, that we had only been dating for a month. He turned into a man I had never seen before, he told me that it was over, that if I couldn’t say yes to him right then that we had no business being together because he was looking for someone who didn’t question anything. I should have known right there and ran for the hills.

This is how things continued for us for a while. He would have too much to drink at a fourth of July party and leave our house saying “this isn’t working, I’m going to get a hotel room, I can’t do this.” I never knew what set him off or why he stormed out, but one thing he always did was come back. And one thing I always did was let him. He left about three or four more times after that, always coming back the next day. This was usually fuelled by alcohol. Along with this I dealt with him always texting or Facebook messaging other women. He was a heavy flirt, constantly pouring attention on to any woman that would give it back to him. He always told them inappropriate things like “if I was your boyfriend I’d never let you go to bed alone.” He always told me I was overreacting or didn’t know what I was talking about when I would finally get nosey enough and look through his phone. He was very protective over his phone, changing the password, not letting me use his phone if I forgot mine, etc.

Everything in our relationship cantered around him, we did what he wanted to do, he did what he wanted to do, and he very rarely joined in on family activities or anything that involved my family at all. Getting him to take a trip to see my sister was like pulling teeth, and it being brought up usually resulted in an argument. He worked from early morning to evening, I’d cook dinner, he would eat dinner and usually fall asleep on the couch. Very rarely did he help with cooking or cleaning or anything that involved our house. I would pay all the bills with my check and then have to ask him for money to pitch in, which would also usually result in a fight. He would throw some money at the problem but he never even knew how much the rent was or how much the water bill was. I pulled more than my fair share of the weight, it was always me putting in all the effort and him putting in none. And anytime I tried to bring any of this up it resulted in a fight and him storming out to go get drunk and returning home at 2 a.m. with “I’m so sorry,” and “I love you so much.” I walked on eggshells a lot of the time because I hated the fights. He always made me feel like I was the one doing something wrong.

He was also very inappropriate with his ex-girlfriend. He told me from the beginning that he was friends with his ex, and I thought that that was very mature and respectable. Little did I know that he was actually very much obsessed with his ex, they told each other they loved each other still, and they were in constant contact. He would delete messages or texts so that I didn’t see them, make up reasons to see or call her like he needed to order more Advocare from her or that he was going out to the bar that she works at with his buddies after a day of working on the ranch. The first time we broke up was because of her, and his actions with a few other women. I moved out of our house and into my own, and within 5 days he had another woman staying with him. Again he claimed they were just friends and he was helping her move. We ended up getting back together and after this. He swore he loved me and things were different this time, he knew the mistakes he made and he promised to fix them. He said he would distance himself from his ex-girlfriend, but always told me that she was a big part of his life and that they would always be friends. I of course fell for every word, and for a while he was different.

Things were good for a bit. Really good. It got me thinking that he had changed, that it was different this time. But the monster emerged once again after a few months. He started talking to other woman again, he never put any distance between him and his ex, and he started acting strange towards me. Distant, not texting or calling as much, not very interested or talkative at all. At this point in our relationship he had started working in North Dakota, which was 5 hours away from home. He was gone for at least 10 days at a time and home for a week. We made this decision so that we could start saving money and pay off some bills. Shortly after going back to North Dakota, I could tell something had shifted in him. He came home for Thanksgiving, spent the entire night talking to other women on his phone, and when I confronted him he stormed out. The next day he returned to his job and told me that he was ending our relationship. This was November of 2016. We ended our relationship on December 5th of that year.

Since that point, up until very recently, things escalated to a very out of control point with him. After breaking up with me I heard everything under the sun – from “I’m scared of commitment,” to “I’m not sure if this is what I want out of life,” to “I want to beg for your forgiveness and beg for another chance, but I’m not going to,” and “I still love you and want you back.” Of course, every time I tried to talk to him about the things he said he would tell me I blew everything out of proportion or took something out of context. It was always my fault for misinterpreting everything. He took full responsibility for why our relationship didn’t work out, saying nothing was my fault, it was all his, but he uses that to make himself look better for his female friends. He says it’s all his fault, but then he doesn’t want to talk further about it with anyone or discuss any specifics. He kept me hanging on with texts and calls like this until he started seeing someone else two months after we broke up. He then proceeded to tell me that he is going to treat her right and not make any of the same mistakes with her as he made with me. He said he knows exactly what to do now, and he learned that from our relationship. It was like taking a bullet. We fought and fought through text message and over the phone, I’d tell him that he was just going to hurt her too, and he told me “no I’m not, I really like her, I’m going to be good.” Finally I had had enough, I blocked his number for the first time after that. Four days later he and that woman broke up, and I got a knock at my door. It was him, of course. He told me that the last woman was just a mistake and that they are just friends who decided they were going to date one night after a drunk night at the bar. He said they were just good friends. He told me that he still had really strong feelings for me that would just not go away, and he wondered if there was ever a possibility of us working things out in the future after we build a foundation of civility and friendship. We discussed this idea for a while, but when I told him that we needed to compromise and find some common ground, that this couldn’t be all his way or the highway, he told me it wouldn’t work and that we just needed to go our separate ways. Then we would talk about it some more, and I would tell him that if we were going to do this it was with the goal of fixing what was broken between us and that he needed to not be talking to other woman romantically while we worked on things. Of course he didn’t like this idea at all, he wanted to keep me around as a friend while he figured out what he wants, and I told him that was not going to happen. I just recently found out that he is still staying with the woman he dated for four days, of course he claims they are just friends and that she lets him stay at her apartment when he isn’t at work. I feel bad for this woman because I know exactly what she is getting into, I know that he is just using her for a place to stay, and that this cycle of abuse will continue with him with every woman that he meets. He told me that he was unhealthy with me, but he is capable of being healthy in another relationship with another woman.

Two nights ago he showed up at my house at 2 a.m., drunk, after calling me 14 times. He said he wanted to talk about us. We talked until 5 in the morning, but it was like a broken record with me saying the same things and him repeating his idea that he wants “friendship and civility” from me. He proceeded to tell me he loved me, then told me the next day that he meant he “has love for me” not that he is “in love with me.” Of course our conversation got nowhere, and after he tried to get me to sleep with him I told him he had to leave. He got mad and threw something, then told me he was going to stay at the other woman’s house for the rest of the week. The next day he told me that she is his girlfriend. He admitted that keeping me hanging on was wrong, that this was unhealthy and that we needed to just go our separate ways. I told him that I agree, confronted him with the fact that I think he is narcissistic, emotionally abusive, a pathological liar, and his drinking escalates that and makes him out of control. He of course denies it all, and says that it was me who made him unhealthy.

This morning I told him that if he shows up at my house and 2 a.m. again that I would be calling the police, and I blocked his number. Being in love with somebody like this is the most exhausting, challenging, cruel things I have ever experienced in my life. I am drained, I am nervous all the time, I am almost an empty shell of the person that I was before I met him. He spun every situation into something different, told me I took things out on context or didn’t know what I was talking about, he made me crazy. And I acted crazy too. This situation is crazy making.  He lies, he manipulates, he uses. And he has already moved on to someone else. I know this process for me will be long and tedious, but I know that I need to keep the no contact going. I also know that this is probably no the last time I hear from him and am trying to prepare myself mentally and emotionally to be tough enough to not fall back into this trap. It’s a long, very painful, very emotional process.
Why does a warm, loving person end up a shattered tortured soul?

Why does a warm, loving person end up a shattered tortured soul?

Have you ever sat alone and wondered “where are they?” The people like yourself, a community that shares your thoughts, your beliefs your love and honesty?

It seems you spend most of your life trying to understand the past with the expectation that an insight into who you are and how you respond to this world it will follow.

Why does an attractive, intelligent, warm, loving, giving person end up a shattered tortured soul afraid of so many things?

Would you not expect that this soul should have peace, love and support?

No it seems.

This is the story of a woman who’s only ‘failing’ was to be too understanding, too loving, too giving to the point of virtually giving away her soul to try and help another.

A woman who has seen, felt, endured, tolerated and nearly crumbled under the weight of abuse on all levels, physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual.

A very young woman who’s fear is how that she will not live for very long because of the final betrayal of her body which through so tremendous emotional torture has become a self-manifesting time bomb.  She has developed a potentially life threatening condition which to exacerbate the situation can receive no conclusive help.

The medical profession shuns her, as they do not want to take responsibility for their errors, rather than throw a buoy to a very frustrated, emotionally damaged yet absolutely rational human being.  They choose to compound her weakened state: –   Why is it when you’re down all the crud comes knocking on your door?

Personally I believe everything we are given we can handle and many a life lessons contained within.  However that’s easy to say when you’ve reach the other side of hell.  It’s the parallel universe it seems.

How powerful our minds are with equal ability to create or destroy!

I see her sitting alone on her balcony long into the early morning hours as sleep is elusive at best.  Those hours are spent creating pieces of amazing beauty and skill.  They surround her, considered her support, her friends and confidents.  Which have now deserted her.  Whilst yes they obviously we’re not genuine friends or persons of strength to hold a hand of a survivor of abuse.

That label makes people feel dirty, afraid and uncomfortable.  If none the less, it yet again reaffirms the emphasis of their world into this hurt and confused sail.

As she sits there night after night asking the stars in the sky, “where are you”?  I’d like her to know we are here, when you are ready.
I’m struggling

I’m struggling

I’m going to tell everybody my story. It might be long but I’m going to tell every single detail I can remember. Please any help would be a massive help, I’m struggling coping day to day and I’m literally crying out for help so here goes:
At the time we got together were both 22/23, she’s 3 months older than me and we don’t have children.

September 24th 2015, Me and my now ex-girlfriend got together, It was my birthday the 18th October and she decided to book me and her a night away in an amazing hotel and we went out and had a good night etc. this was my first, what I classed as serious relationship.

The morning of the night before we woke up had had a shower and my phone was on the bed. I didn’t want to lose it or forget it so something I used to do was put my phone in my shoe so when I go to put my footwear on I wouldn’t ever forget it. She found my phone in the shoe covered up by our dry towel and accused me straight away of being unfaithful, obviously I wasn’t. I tried to reassure her and just said it would never happen again, she verbally assaulted me for the first time then making me out to be a piece of s**t, and I’m a very sensitive caring person anyway she knew this and it made me crave her even more for reasons I couldn’t explain.

Within the whole time we were together this verbal abuse carried on pretty much everyday.

About 1 month later I was in her room in her parents’ house, at the time I’d had a rough day in work and well, she wanted sex. I genuinely just wanted sleep I was not up for it whatsoever. As I’m lying on my back she screams “f**k off” whilst her arm hits me smack bang in the middle of my face.

This was the first of many times I was hit in the face, through the whole relationship she hit me scratched me or even bit my face when she got drunk or she wanted to argue, she made me delete my Facebook account my Twitter, every contact with friends and even some family members. She also didn’t want me wearing clothes I liked wearing. We went out every week spending money we didn’t have.

This abuse carried on until Christmas, she wanted me to be with her and her family the whole of Christmas and I refused I said I should be with my family.
Boxing day I ended it. I was upset and angry with how I was being treated and I told my family everything.

Now from the beginning of the relationship I had been under pressure for money and well, I’m not an angel, nobody is but I stole from my workplace, simply to please her and to try and show her love because I was desperate. Anyway I would’ve done absolutely anything to please her. At the end of January we got back together and the middle of February I had been found out by my employers and they reported me to the police. I had an interview with them and I received a caution. Up until April I went full no contact with my ex and then one day out of nowhere she sent me a personal little ‘OPB’ on a reg of a car – it stands for oh panda bug and that’s what I called her, my panda bug, (it was a cute thing we did) and it reeled me in.  We spoke and we met up and I went away behind my families back to stay with her in the city and we spoke about moving away to start a fresh.

We moved in May 2016 and things were actually perfect, for about 2 months – I had to do all the washing, the cleaning, the cooking, everything, she didn’t really ever help unless she wanted too. I think she was like this because I used to get home from work about 2 hours earlier than her and she hated it, she didn’t want me home alone. She’d accuse me of all sorts and it just upset me because she’d come home and I’d be dying to see her and speak to her and she would just put me down constantly and make me feel worthless.
To please her I got a job with the same hours as her and I didn’t like it. I had my suspicion she was speaking to a guy she worked with and she was. It was found out she cheated on me whilst I was on a course away and yeah that broke my heart it still does, I forgave her again. And that was in October – then one day she came into my work accusing me of fancying a girl I worked with when I didn’t even speak to this girl. So I walked out of work because the stress was too much. She said she was leaving me, I got back to our place and she was there, then we both moved in December 2016 and I was unemployed and she recently left her job so we were skint.

I was under pressure from the debt she accumulated for me and it got to January 25th and I ended it, I couldn’t take it no more…now I need help because I want to speak to her so much and my mind is dying if I can speak to people in messenger that would help. I can clear things up and give more details, but the thing is she shows every single sign a narcissist does. I just need advice and help so please I’m begging you help me.