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I used to be so strong and capable

I used to be so strong and capable

I have been following your Facebook page with such interest. I have a Narc mother – and I think I may have a Narc husband but I’m getting confused about if maybe I’m the awful one. My mother never liked me – would humiliate me constantly in order to make herself look good – I can’t even begin to describe what she did to me over the years. It makes me feel so sick.

My husband has no empathy. After my mastectomy we inadvertently ended up by a beach and I just froze – he walked off saying that it wasn’t his problem and that there would always be beautiful women to look at.

Time after time after time things happened like this – going to dinner and being ignored, going to pick the dogs up from the kennel and being ignored. I had major surgery a few years ago and had to ask him not to flirt with the nurses just for that day.

When I’m sad or in need of attention from my oncologist he withholds all care. He is fine when I’m ‘behaving’ but the minute there is any pressure he withdraws and withholds and it doesn’t matter how sad or hurt I am he just stares at me angrily and keeps saying f ‘well what do you want to do about it’.

Everything is met with anger, detachment, withholding of love or compassion or empathy. He doesn’t talk to his two children because they don’t ‘care’ about his troubles with their mother. So many hard things – so much anger and awful cold aggression – but I’m starting to think maybe it’s me? Maybe my needs are selfish? Maybe I’m the one who is just expecting too much? Or maybe if my other is a cruel and unkind narcissist – well maybe I am one too?

Can you help me? I have just gotten some anxiety tablets today to try and help me settle down – but I truly am worried that maybe I’m the one making things difficult empty and sad.

Thank you for your site,  xx I’m so ashamed of everything – I used to be so strong and capable. My cancer and subsequent partner have kind of thrown me.

I’ve never been treated so poorly by somebody

I’ve never been treated so poorly by somebody

We met in October 2014. Although he was asking me to marry him within weeks, we married September 2015. He is now 53, I’ll be 29 this year.  I’ve never been treated so poorly by somebody.  I knew nothing about these kinds of people. Why is it so difficult to get away? I filed for divorce February 2017. He cried promising to be a better man, blaming me and everyone else for the way he is.  He has the addiction problem, pain pills.  There’s no confronting the lies because then I’m being a drama queen, backing him into corners, and making him walk on egg shells.  “I’m 53 years old, I don’t need to answer to anybody!” But yet I’m supposed to? I got screamed at when I mentioned getting a part time job.

Since I’ve filed we are still living together, he was supposed to have spinal surgery, but they won’t do it unless he quits smoking, “how much do you want to bet on the 7th I’ll never touch one of these again, I have to do it for my family” he didn’t, then lied and hid cigarettes.  The most I was doing was holding him accountable so he could get fixed.  But I was a bad person for it.  Part of holding off court was so he could do surgery and in meantime (estimated 1 month) we would go to counselling.  We’ve had 1 session which was not helpful, and the surgery most likely won’t happen anytime soon.  I have concerns for other drug use.  Why am I still here when I know I don’t want to be with him, I know I deserve better, so much better.  I’m young and going into my prime with a child (7, not his.) He’s old with all sorts of health problems.  He’s being especially nice now, trying to get me to move us to Florida, 1500 miles away.  My mind won’t let me think, won’t let me act.  I see it, I just can’t do it! How!?

There’s so much more and I’m scared it’ll get worse overtime.  Time he doesn’t deserve from me anymore
I don’t want to be on my deathbed regretting

I don’t want to be on my deathbed regretting

Thank you for being here.  Feeling haunted by a former narc abuser who was the director of a dance troupe I was involved in. I went and stayed no contact over six years ago. This person has moved clear across the country.  I am just starting to renew my desire to dance and teach dance again (I loved it most of my life before her) but when I go to practice my body goes numb. I don’t want to be on my death bed regretting not dancing because of her manipulation gas lighting etc.  Any suggestions I would love and welcome.
How long did it take?

How long did it take?

It’s been four long years.  I’ve done the counselling.  I’m doing things for myself and I would say that I am content.  I’m enjoying the peace but for some reason I still think of him every day. I try not to but the thoughts creep in.  Will they ever go away? How long did it take you all to finally say… I’m there, I’m fully recovered? Does it ever really happen? I don’t think I’ll trust anyone again.  I’m destined to spend the rest of my life alone. Not what I dreamed of but I’m ok with it! I’d really appreciate your thoughts. ❤️
You were born a loser and will die a loser

You were born a loser and will die a loser

My Narc is my Mama, I am 46 years old, been disabled since I was 17…I hear the words, “You were born a loser and will die a loser,” (from my mom) over and over.  She has tortured and tormented my soul and she relishes in my physical and emotional pain.  How can one be so black hearted cruel?
How can I help my daughter?

How can I help my daughter?

How can I help my 21 year old daughter who has been systematically stripped of any ambition, independence and self esteem? She still lives with her mother, from whom I am divorced, and who clearly has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I lost my son in December, to a serious depressive illness, he was 25. In 2015 he asked me to collect him from his mother’s home, whilst visiting her during his University summer break. He said he “could not take it anymore” and “did not know who he was anymore.” He had been subject to protracted rants lasting up to three hours, by his mother for such demeanours as using HER electricity to charge his phone, by him spending HER taxes in buying himself a new T.V from his University bursary etc. He was criticised for wanting to pursue a career in teaching. He was told he would not “hack it as a teacher “.

In the latter months of his life he was very troubled by his sense of guilt over his broken relationship with his mother, who continued to abuse him emotionally. It was not his fault she had robbed him of his identity, she continued to emotionally abuse him whenever he had contact which became very rare and now after his tragic death, his mother is manipulating my daughter, threatening me with court injunctions for harassment, for trying to maintain contact with my daughter who had been effectively estranged from me and my family for nearly seven years, since I crawled out of the marriage in a seriously depressed state. My daughter has been physically assaulted for having contact with me. She has no privacy. Having carefully controlled her private life, her friends, her future aspirations, denying her contact with me, Her mother then manipulated her into sending me texts when my son died, but these stopped once her mother realised I was not going to give her the attention she craved.

Having had no contact whatsoever with my family in seven years, her mother even expressed disappointment to my parents over the phone that no one had been to see her from my family when my son died, even though she has actively dissuaded my children from having contact with my family throughout their lives.

My daughter is manipulated into sending letters on her mother’s behalf regarding funeral costs with no regard for proper procedure, or any recognition that I am his legal representative. Something which her mother tried to challenge but failed. She shows no compassion or remorse, she cannot understand the concept of a Thanksgiving Service to celebrate his short life. I organised such a service for my son and that took place after his funeral. She says “it is meaningless.”

I fear for my daughter, she is under tremendous manipulative control.

The Covert Narcissist

The Covert Narcissist

No one would believe that the man who sits in church with his family every Sunday, is a monster behind closed doors with the family that looks so perfect on the outside.

No one would believe that the ‘doting’ mother cheering on her child in the school gala, had been yelling and belittling her daughter minutes beforehand.

Who would believe that the friendly local grocer who chats happily with his customers has been giving his wife the silent treatment and not acknowledged her existence in weeks?

Who would believe that the lovely charming ‘lady’ at the top of her profession, trampled on anyone who stood in her way on her rise to the top?

The closet narcissist is a great pretender, hiding who they really are with expertise.  The covert narcissist puts on such a convincing display of being a loving, kind person in public but to those who know them personally, to those closest to them, they are selfish, manipulative, exploitive and anything but the loving and kind person that they purport to be.  They know that if they displayed their true colours in public, they would lose the recognition, respect and admiration that they so desperately crave.  Perhaps their ability to fool the outside world, makes this type of personality one of the most dangerous.  They worry about being found out.  They are deeply envious knowing that they can never be the person that others believe them to be.

The great pretender

The covert narcissist is a con artist who lacks the confidence of the overt narcissist.  They need constant attention moving from one relationship to another in order to avoid being alone.  Time spent alone often leads to depression when their needs are not being met.  Narcissistic supply is vital to their well-being.

Your value in the narcissist’s life will depend on your usefulness.  When you are no longer regarded as useful or you challenge them about who they really are, you will be cast aside without a second thought as if you never existed.  Your reputation will have been discredited so that you will never be believed.

Scott Barry Kaufman (Psychologist) explains…

“While the overt narcissists tended to be aggressive, self-aggrandizing, exploitative, and have extreme delusions of grandeur and a need for attention, covert narcissists were more prone to feelings of neglect or belittlement, hypersensitivity, anxiety, and delusions of persecution.”

The traits of the overt narcissist can be obvious often being displayed quite openly but in contrast, the traits of the covert narcissist can be very difficult to spot.  Below are some signs that you may be dealing with a covert narcissist…

  • Always plays the victim wanting your sympathy
  • Quiet Smugness/Superiority
  • Self absorbed
  • Extreme selfishness
  • Constant craving for acknowledgement
  • Passive aggressive
  • Judgemental and critical
  • Lacks empathy
  • Highly sensitive being unable to handle criticism
  • Difficulties with relationships
  • Gets bored easily
  • Switches off rather than listen intently to others

It can be difficult not to get sucked in to a narcissist’s web of deceit and feel sorry for them when they play the victim card.  The narcissist is looking for a reaction from you. Don’t feed the monster!  When they fail to get their desired reaction from you, they will take a step back and look for their supply elsewhere.  Be aware of the traits before it’s too late and don’t let yourself be controlled by someone whose ultimate goal is to control not only your mind but your life.

Written by Anne McCrea
Who would believe me?

Who would believe me?

My narc father has fooled nearly everyone in the neighbourhood and the church.  Everyone thinks he’s a great family man but he’s treated his family like dirt since as long as I can remember.  My mother probably suffered the most with constant put downs and endless silent treatments when he didn’t get his own way.  When he walks out the door he’s so charming to everyone he meets laughing and joking as if he’s the world’s best dad.  I want people to know the truth.  How do I do it?  Who will believe me?  He’s ruined my mum’s life and mine.
I really fear for her mental health

I really fear for her mental health

My best friend has been having a relationship with a narcissist on and off for 6 years. He was married, frequently left his wife for my friend, but always went back for one reason or another. He’s controlling, emotionally abusive to her (and hates me obviously). He’s said and done some terrible things to her over the years but she gives it a few months and then starts it all up again.

I can’t understand it and this time when he throws her away again I really fear for her mental health. She had done so well with zero contact etc. and I am at a loss as to how to make her see sense.

I’m actually worried that she’ll be left alone because I can’t watch her suffer him any more. We’ve been friends for 30 years. Many thanks